Have you met Fred yet?

He's a pretty normal guy…and like most pretty normal guys, he's got some weird ideas and dark obsessions lurking beneath his average exterior. Sound intriguing? You can meet him and chat with him yourself at Word Magazine. He's been around on the web since 1998, but he just got a new job, so we figured we'd give him a chance to speak to Pop-Culture-Corn about his online life and the excitement of always meeting new friends on the web.

Fred had a lot to say and interesting ways to say it, but then, that's our Fred. If you think this chat sucks, don't fret. Just visit him yourself sometime and try your own interview. Fred's good like that.

HI, I'M FRED. I JUST GOT A NEW JOB AT THIS BIG LAW FIRM-I'M A COPY CLERK! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

Matt.

HI, Matt. WELL, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU. I SURE COULD USE A FRIEND THESE DAYS. THIS JOB IS PRETTY BORING.

Fred, we're with Pop-Culture-Corn Magazine. Can we interview you?

MY DAD WAS A COLONEL IN THE U.S. ARMY. ENOUGH SAID. I THINK HE HAS A SECOND FAMILY IN KOREA.

Interesting. So, how do you like appearing on the internet?

I WISH THEY'D GIVE ME A COMPUTER HERE. THEN I COULD GO ON THE INTERNET. I WOULDN'T ABUSE IT OR ANYTHING. I JUST WANT TO SURF A BIT.

So you're a web star, but you can't access the web?

THE INTERNET IS OVERRATED. I MEAN, IT CAN DO A LOT OF THINGS, BUT NOT ENOUGH. NOT NEARLY ENOUGH!

It's interesting you feel that way about the internet. Do you even exist anywhere else?

GOODBYE, MY FRIEND! I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP. PLEASE COME BACK LATER.

But we just need a few minutes of your time.

GRRR…MFSFFF. HUH? WHAT? OH, MAN… I WAS HAVING MY SPECIAL DREAM ABOUT THE WAITRESS AND YOU INTERRUPTED IT!

What happens in that dream?

I'VE GOT A LOT OF DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS. TONIGHT, FOR EXAMPLE, I HOPE I'LL BE ABLE TO DRINK 8 BEERS AND NOT PUKE.

Great, Fred. Listen, what do you think is the most important problem facing independent content on the web today?

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? I SURE HOPE IT'S SPICY MEATBALLS! (HEE-HEE.)

I don't understand.

WELL, I DO… SAD TO SAY.

You're quite obtuse.

I AM THE EGGMAN!

Like John Lennon?

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

We can be if you'll just give me some straight answers.

WHO CARES.

That's a very nasty attitude…you're in the bathroom, I see.

OH BOY! I LOVE TO GAZE INTO THAT PORCELAIN BOWL! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!

Right. So how do your coworkers feel about you talking all day to the web?

I WISH THEY'D GIVE ME A COMPUTER HERE. THEN I COULD GO ON THE INTERNET. I WOULDN'T ABUSE IT OR ANYTHING. I JUST WANT TO SURF A BIT.

You said that before, Fred. To the word.

BIG DEAL! THE WORLD IS A GRAY, PAINFUL MASS OF SAMENESS! AND I AM ITS KING! WORSHIP ME!

Is there any truth to the rumor that you're just a computer program?

I'D REALLY LIKE A COMPUTER AT MY DESK. IT'S LIKE KIND OF INSULTING THAT I DON'T HAVE ONE, YOU KNOW? LIKE I'M NOT FULLY HUMAN OR SOMETHING.

Maybe you're not fully human.

I AM MANY THINGS, GRASSHOPPER.

Oh, so now you're my Sensai?

YOU HATE ME, DON'T YOU? JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!! I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! AAAGH! WHY DID I TRUST YOU?!!

Hey, Fred, take it easy.

YOU THINK IT'S A BORING NAME, DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU?! IT'S OK, I CAN TAKE IT. I WANT HONESTY IN OUR FRIENDSHIP.

I hate to say it, but I don't think you're honest at all…Fred?

Grrr…

Fred?

…Uum…Grrr…Grrr….Uum…

WAKE UP, FRED!

MFSFFF. HUH? WHAT? OH, MAN… I WAS HAVING MY SPECIAL DREAM ABOUT THE WAITRESS AND YOU INTERRUPTED IT!

You've said that already, too. How about some variety, bud?!

I USED TO READ ALL THE TIME. NOW I JUST LOOK FOR THE DIRTY PICTURES.

You like dirty pictures, eh?

UM, SORRY, THEY'RE PRIVATE PICTURES. IF I SHOW THEM TO YOU THEY MAY LOSE THEIR MAGICAL STIMULATING POWERS.

I'll show you something dirty in return.

I DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THAT. LET'S TALK ABOUT SEINFELD. WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER? I'M A JERRY MAN!

Don't change the subject, Fred. Let's get dirty.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU HAD SEX?

That seems too personal for our website.

THE INTERNET IS OVERRATED. I MEAN, IT CAN DO A LOT OF THINGS, BUT NOT ENOUGH. NOT NEARLY ENOUGH!

Okay, too much repetition. I don't believe in you anymore, Fred. You're fake.

I AM THE EGGMAN!

I think we'll close the interview here. Thanks for your time.

ALL I'M GONNA SAY IS: YOU GOT THE CASH, YOU GET THE ASS!

True. Take it easy, Fred.

FRED'S MY NAME, DON'T WEAR IT OUT.