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Your Guide to the Oscars

Fall is such an exciting time of year! The leaves drifting from the trees, professional athletes demanding more money and better benefits, and Hollywood setting out their brightest stars to shine. Being well-connected in the movie biz (which means Zsa-Zsa Gabor returns my calls), I am privy to some inside information that your average reporter isn t necessarily allowed to know. For example, do you remember those furry creatures from Return of the Jedi, the Ewoks? Well, they weren t actual animals, as the film led you to believe; they were midgets dressed up in costumes! Movie magic.

Anyhow, I just pulled a fax off the line here in the Chronicle offices (99th floor, Sears Tower) from Rog (that s Roger Ebert to you folks) about some of the exciting films we ll be forking over our $400 to see this fall. Let s take a look, shall we?

Mary Shelley s Frankenstein: This one looks really exciting, with director John Hughes ( Pretty in Pink, Uncle Buck, Baby s Day Out ) granting his gifts to the retelling of a classic horror story. Of course, a genius like Hughes wouldn t take on such a tale without making some changes. The film will deal with the Frankenstein monster (played by adorable child star Macauley Culkin) in his younger years, and the mischief he creates for his creator, Dr. Frankenstein (played by Married...With Children star Ed O Neill). Look for this one to pick up a few statuettes when Oscar comes out to call this spring!

Quiz Show: Robert Redford (of The Mask and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective fame) helms this dramatic thriller, which is as topical as it is exciting. It deals with the recent Price Is Right sexual harassment scandal, with Gregory Peck portraying game show host Bob Barker and Kim Basinger as Diane Parkinson, one of Barker s Beauties who finds herself in an uncomfortable position when Barker asks her to Come on down! Look for this one to pick up a few statuettes when Oscar comes out to call this spring!

E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial: Steven Spielberg s latest, this one tugs at the heartstrings even as it squeezes the tear ducts. It s the story of an adorable alien creature who...oh, this one came out in 1982. Sorry. But look for this one to pick up a few statuettes when Oscar comes out to call this spring!

Star Trek: Generations: This one is widely anticipated by sci-fi fans around the world. It s the long-awaited prequel to the Star Wars films, starring the original cast in overweight and poorly-acted caricatures of themselves. The story deals with the Star Wars gang visiting earth and Captain Kirk is put into cryogenic freeze by Hal the computer. Only Ripley (portrayed again by Sigourney Weaver) can save the Captain, but not until she defeats the evil Skeletor (Frank Langella). Look for this one to pick up a few statuettes when Oscar comes out to call this spring!

Love Affair: I don t have much info on this one, but apparently Warren Beatty plays a man in love with an older woman, portrayed by Katherine Hepburn. If that s Hepburn in the ads though, she looks pretty young, because I know she s at least 90 by now, and she looks about forty in the ads. I know next to nothing about this film. But look for this one to pick up a few statuettes when Oscar comes out to call this spring!

Well, there s the latest movie scoop, courtesy of your Hollywood connection: me. Join me next week, when I bring you an in-depth interview with Hollywood s forgotten starlet, Justine Bateman! See you then, and save me the aisle seat! And buy me some popcorn, too. And some Ju-ju beads. Please.

Questions? Comments? Great thoughts?

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