Where were YOU on the evening of Thursday, September 10, 1998? If you weren't watching the MTV Video Music Awards, you missed a lot of nothing...or classic MTV, depending on how you look at things. To keep you dope on the latest gig, here's a series of unconnected, random thoughts compiled as I watched the show. It's the next best thing to watching it in reruns at 2 a.m. next July.

1. Mariah Carey looks fat. She's presenting with fellow diva Whitney Houston--who IS hot--and she looks fat. Perhaps she's retaining water.

2. Is this random Indian bullshit off Madonna's new record, or is she pulling this from her ass? It's interesting and a bit bold, but the Beatles did it thirty years ago. As for Madonna herself, this year she's in her Hindu widow phase, apparently.

3. I think we may be getting some Lenny Kravitz guitar action here...and now Madonna's in her wife-beater Alanis Morrisette phase. In fact, that's really what she's going for in this performance; she's thrashing about the stage and wailing like a new Alanis. Still, Madonna will fake-hump her guitarist (who may or may not be Lenny Kravitz), which is more than you can say for Alanis. Also, Madonna doesn't have the range to sing this song live, but seeing her nipples makes up for any musical failings.

4. If Hootie and the Blowfish show up, I'll puke.

5. More than anything, Madonna seems tired. Good thing there are all these other new women in rock sitting around with their acoustic guitars, ready to take her place.

6. Rupert Everett just grabbed Salma Hayek's arm as she walked to the podium, but she didn't respond. Tension there? Do we care? Is this the E! network?!

7. What a contrast--the putrid pop sounds of the Backstreet Boys coupled with the yearning ache of Radiohead. That's MTV for ya, kiddies.

8. Hell, say what you will about those Backstreeters (and we don't mean Springsteen fans)--they sure did bring back that whole video/horror movie connection. If you're gonna rip off ideas, what better place to start than Michael Jackson's "Thriller"?

9. It's disgusting when bands feel the need to THANK BMG in their acceptance speeches. What the fuck does a stifling conglomerate need thanks for? For shoving music down the public's throats?

10. Pras is onstage now, wailing his funky rhymes. Wyclef opened with a very cool solo intro bit with electric guitar--even threw in some "Gone 'Til November" and "Michelle" by the Beatles. He's a god.

11. You got a drum kit, a guitar, a bass player playing on a rap tune--bringin' it back to the old school schizz of Run D.M.C.

12. This Mya girl has some magical hips.

13. The ad for the Psycho remake is more original and creative than the film itself will be.

14. Buffy and Hanson. Can anyone tell the difference?

15. Sarah Michelle Gellar is just too kewl for Hanson, apparently. Her shit doesn't seem to stink. She should look into purchasing a bra. She needs the support.

16. Natalie Imbruglia is "a very happy bunny." She certainly is. Hoo-hah.

17. Y'know, it's about time Courtney Love and Hole came back onto the music scene. They're tearing some shit up. Her and Liz Phair are showing these Lilith Fair bozos what women in rock are supposed to be doing: kicking the boys' asses.

18. This production style--with all the hopping around and jumping and crap-is deeply distracting. I feel like I'm having a seizure every time they launch into it. Who wants to have a seizure every ten minutes? No one, that's who.

19. Green Day beats out Ben Folds Five. Bummer.

20. What's the story behind these folks who stand in front and cheer on all the performers? Can they be real people? They're sorta like those people who sit in stars' seats while they're gone at the Oscars: utterly fake.

21. Master P's female friend is tumbling out of her shirt. Surprisingly, it's not appealing.

22. Here's Fiona Apple's child pornography video. Like the Larry Flynt magazine, she's barely legal.

23. They nominated a remix, but not the original. Boy, Mariah Carey's gotta feel snubbed.

24. Is that Madonna with Carlos Leon, her former flame and the father of her daughter Lourdes? Reconciliation? Does anyone care? Is this the E! network, fer chrissakes?! Rise above it, you gossip hounds!

25. My dad notices Madonna's odd trend of talking as though she's from Britain.

26. Just caught an ad for a new direct-to-video flick called Big Ballers Can anyone tell the difference between these rappers anymore?

27. GREAT bit with Ben Stiller portraying Bruce Springsteen in a parody of that "Fanatic" show where Bruce is supposed to be Puff Daddy's biggest fan and goes to meet him. He's in the studio singing a song when his friend Alex comes to retrieve him: "Got a northeast wind blowin' up my ass..." Then he asks Puffy, "Why are you so awesome?" Stiller's Springsteen impersonation is dead-on, and it's a hilarious concept. Perhaps the highlight of the evening; it'll be hard to top.

28. This must be the Year of No Bra--first Gellar, and now that other three-name teenage wonder, Jennifer Love Hewitt. They also both wear very bad tans. They look like Miami trailer trash. Hot trailer trash, but trash nonetheless.

29. The Beastie Boys are doing this weird formation together on stage as the intro to their hit single "Intergalactic Planetary" blares out. They're defining hip even as I type. Great DJ work by Mix Master Mike, though.

30. Is there a more annoying man in show-business than Chris Tucker?! NO!!!!!!

31. Big snub for the whole "women in rock" thang: Ben Stiller introduces Sarah McLachlan and Natalie Imbruglia with a patronizing comment if ever I heard one: "Here are two ladies who make that whole 'feminism' thing really easy to take." Brutal.

32. Kylie Minogue is still making music?! Better in Australia than here, I guess.

33. The second inexplicable delay in a presenter's appearance that I've seen tonight. What the dealio? Everyone's wasted, I guess.

34. "I feel like having sex with a drum machine."--Beck Hanson

35. Beck is doing some weird-ass shit. You gotsta be on your own plane if you're making music like his.

36. Will Smith just shared a funky dance with Beck. Truly, a torch has been passed.

37. Is Matt Pinfield still at MTV? If not, why do they hate him so much? Would it hurt a MUSIC network to employ and respect one person who knows two things about MUSIC? Jesus. As a fellow record geek, I'm personally offended. "Pixies imports" my ass...fuck MTV.

38. When I first read the title of Brandy and Monica's hit tune "The Boy is Mine," I expected a light, fun R&B romp in the spirit of Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson's classic eighties hit "The Girl is Mine." Instead, it's dark and dense crap in the typical nineties style.

39. Aerosmith is too cool for David Spade. Thank God. Someone has to be.

40. It strikes me that the folks that endure in pop music don't emphasize the difference between shit like rap, alternative, pop, R&B, country, etcetera etcetera etcetera-they remember that it's all pop, and it ain't no thang. Puff Daddy is Steven Tyler is Beck is Tori Amos is Garth Brooks is everyone else. The more different it sounds, the more it's really the same. As the Chicken Washer said in a new MTV commercial, "They're all ROCK STARS."

41. Busta Rhymesis dressed like a mariachi band member.

42. Here Adam goes. Fuck. Who cares what a Beastie Boy thinks about the Middle East? President Clinton doesn't stop a press conference to discuss his opinions on the Beastie Boys. Fuck your racism bullshit and your prattling. You make music, not foreign policy. Get a clue.

43. Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of "South Park": the two most worthless people in showbiz. Did ANYONE see BASEketball?!

44. I wish the blockbuster success of Dave Matthews Band had been a fluke. I really, really wish that.

45. "AIDS is a crock--I mean a crisis..."--Wyclef Jean, in a Freudian slip during yet another ill-advised political statement during an acceptance speech. Go talk with the Beastie Boys and stop wasting our time.

46. Ah, it's Marilyn "I was goth, now I'm glam" Manson.

47. Plastic breasts, plastic blank crotch, real ass. A statement in Manson's outfit, or just random glam? I'm going for the latter.

48. Gwen Stefani of No Doubt is still alive? Shit, they better get that second album out really quick! She's nearly faded from the pop culture radar screen!

49. Aerosmith wins again. Big surprise there. Seriously. Where did this come from?

50. Video of the Year. At last, an end is in sight. I must confess that the only awards show that really turns me on is the Oscars. All others pale in comparison. But even the Oscars begin to wear on the psyche after a while. The MTV Video Music Awards definitely begin to wear.

51. Geri Haliwell, former Sexy Spice. Hon, there's no such word as "prestiguous." She's presenting the top award of the evening. My prediction: this is the best gig she'll have after the Spice Girls. It's all waitressing and dinner theater from here on in.

52. Geri's in a very conservative black suit outfit. She quips about being a "former drag queen." Hey, that gig filled your pockets with more cash than I'll see in my lifetime. I'd slip on a boustier if it brought me that much cash. Don't look a gift vagina in the lips, Geri.

53. Madonna wins Video of the Year for "Ray of Light."

54. Y'know, Madonna just looks awful all the time lately. She hasn't really looked good since "Vogue." She looks bad bad bad.

55. DAMN, Busta Rhymes is pushing his product. He's got this whole clan posse thang up there on stage introducing themselves. He must be terrified that his new album ain't gonna sell.

56. So the Brian Setzer Orchestra closes the show with "Jumpin' Jive and Wail." A sad concession to the recent swing fad. The band rocks, but what happened to the glory days of such team-ups as Axl Rose and Elton John, or Eddie Vedder and Neil Young? I could see this band on "The Tonight Show."

57. And so another MTV Video Music Awards concludes. I'm misty. Don't think I'll make it through the post-show coverage.

What have we learned from this year's MTV Video Music Awards? Courtney wants to steal Hanson's virginity, she's got one of Trent Reznor's balls in her stomach, and she's a goddess. It's all about Hole, the band and the ass version. Also, Manson's album should be cool, Wyclef is awesome, and we're all teenage fangeeks at heart, at least on the biggest night in MTV's year. As Busta might say, BIG up.