Catatonia, Equally Cursed and Blessed

Of course, the other huge problem with a beautiful female lead singer is that she's pretty useless if the rest of the band sucks, which is the chief issue facing Catatonia's big push to conquer the United States with their first major U.S. release, Equally Cursed and Blessed. That's too harsh, really--the rest of the band doesn't suck. Everyone means well. I'm sure they're nice enough people. It's just that they can't write pop songs to save their lives, and the one-of-a-kind vocals from aforementioned beautiful lead singer Cerys Matthews don't redeem the songs at all. Stand back, folks, because here comes the disarming one-liner: Catatonia inspires catatonia. Yee-haw! That's some fine rockcrit extemporizin' there, pardner!

I first encountered Catatonia via a compliation CD from Cliffs Notes (yeah, I know, everyone's source of hot new tunes, the good people who've turned the support of slacking into a cottage industry), which included their UK hit single, "Mulder & Scully." That's one fine pop tune right there, with lead singer Cerys Matthews chirping her adorable way through some mindless lovelorn words, and it had me geared up for plenty big fun from Cursed. Sadly, "Mulder & Scully" doesn't surface on the new record until the last track--which shouldn't come as much of a surprise, since it's from a previous record and was clearly only smushed onto the American pressings of Cursed to give the label a potential single to sell to radio.

Why would they need a single if there's a whole album full of new material to explore? One good reason might be because most of the new material ain't that great. For the most part, Catatonia's meager attempts to craft "pop" songs are pretty pathetic, even laughable at times. All of the charm and energy of "Mulder & Scully" seems drained from the band. It's hard to even make it through the first song, "Dead from the Waist Down," without suffering alternating reactions of cackling disbelief and basic boredom. How could you avoid such reactions while you're listening to Matthews whining, "Make hay, not war" over a lackadaisical string arrangement? It's preposterous music--"Make hay, not war"?! Such sentiments sounded ludicrous in the sixties, and they sound even more pathetic in Y2K, especially when presented minus poetry or melody.

Things don't start to look up on Cursed until "She's a Millionaire," and by then, you're three songs into the album and you haven't heard anything even remotely resembling a clever hook or one-liner. I'm no expert on album sequencing, nor do I expect bands to pack all the upbeat hit singles near the front of a record. But it's usually a show of good faith when a band either starts their record with a few solid uptempo numbers, or midtempo/slow songs that utterly captivate the listener.

Fully half of this record is subpar filler, and half of that filler OPENS THE RECORD. And we're not talking artistic departure, exploration, so forth--it's just boring, lousy songwriting that doesn't gain anything from performance. By the time the record really gets going, it's track ten, and then it stays strong until the "Mulder and Scully" closes out the tunes. At that point, if you haven't shut off the CD player and turned on the TV, then you're a better music fan than I.

It's too bad, really, because Matthews possesses one of the great female lead voices EVER in pop music--it's impossible to describe, but it sounds kinda like Minnie Mouse on a heroin binge. Filthy, adorable and evocative. She brings everything she can to these songs, but it just doesn't work. Catatonia's performance on Equally Cursed and Blessed just goes to show ya that you can hire the most talented and beautiful lead singer on the planet--it don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing. Or that good songwriting. Or something resembling what fans around the world have come to know as "good shit."