Averting the Napster Disaster

"I think the fact that Napster is stealing recorded music is something that we have to stop. It's taking money out of my kid's mouth. That's the way I look at it. It's wrong. It's inherently wrong. It's stealing."
--Art Alexakis of Everclear

"Artists, like anyone else, should be paid for their work."
--Lou Reed

"Napster is robbing me blind."
--Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes

Everyone's talking about what a huge problem Napster is. It robs artists. It denies them compensation for their creative work. It promotes bootlegging.

All the complaining is getting a bit tiresome. What about solutions? The music industry needs to combat this problem with a proactive stance, not empty bitching. That's the kind of attitude that lets the bootleggers win.

We've come up with several solutions to the Napster issue, designed to prevent illegal distribution of music by taking the battle straight to the front lines. Enough talk, enough litigation. Leave it to the lawyers and they'll bleed you dry. Let's take it to the streets, you megalomaniacal wealthy rockstars who get paid to do something you love! Let's beat grassroots fandom into the ground!

Exploding Compact Discs

This is so obvious that it's stunning no one has thought of it. Each CD has a tiny explosive charge built into its design. When the process to copy that CD is initialized, it triggers the explosive. For indie artists, the charge could just be small enough to destroy the computer; for your more heavyweight artists--your Metallicas, your Elton Johns--you pack in a much bigger bang. Let's see a dirty college music bandit try to burn illegal copies of the latest Korn record with bloody stubs where his fingers used to be! Good luck, you vultures!

Band in a Box

This is an idea first invented by pioneering artist rights activist Emily Brown. Every band would have millions of tiny versions of themselves packed into little boxes. Whenever the urge strikes, you can set the box atop your desk and open it, recieving an instant concert from your favorite group. Developing this concept would be a great job for the Disney Imagineers, or perhaps a nice application of the emerging cloning technology.

Cut Off Some Ears

What better way to send a strong message than through cruel violence? Metallica should take that list of 385,000 online music fans who illegally distributed their music through Napster, hire some former Navy Seals, and set out to take an ear from every user who stole their art. Then they could build a concert rig from the detached ears and launch the "Listen With Commerce" tour to raise funds for their anti-Napster campaign. We've always needed to take a page from India's legal handbook, anyway.

An Eye for an Eye

Along similar lines, Metallica and Dr. Dre could also hire a team of master thieves to break into Napster users' homes and steal some of their stuff, preferably poetry, songs and artwork. Then they could hold a massive yard sale at Madison Square Garden and sell the crap for much less than it's worth. Hell, the sight of a deranged Lars Ulrich or Eminem shattering one's window and tearing through one's house would alone be enough to scare any bootlegger straight.

Downloadable Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

If I could command two slabs of toast and some gooey cheese to churn from my disk drive ANYTIME I wanted, I'd be so happily bloated that I wouldn't have the energy to download music. Mmmmmmm good.

Free Blowjobs

Online music is essentially competing with store-bought music in its own meager way. Clearly, what music fans need is a greater incentive to buy music from stores, instead of stealing it online. Envision this scenario: you go into Tower to buy a CD, you take it to the counter, and along with the disc--free of charge--you get immediate oral sex. Like fifteen minutes of great oral sex. The kind of people who spend their evenings downloading rare Phish tracks through Napster could probably use some good oral sex.

Give Albums Away

Make all CDs free--and charge $4000 for concert tickets. That seems to be the direction the industry is headed. And this really isn't about artists' rights anyway, is it? Just take the money and run, you poor pitiful rock superstars!