PCC's Pre-Mixed Tapes

Are you looking to make that perfect mix tape? Hoping to communicate a certain special message to that certain special someone? Pop-Culture-Corn can help. Oh sure, you could spend hours ransacking your own music collection (which, let's face it, probably sucks anyway), vainly struggling to cull only those songs that say exactly what you feel. But why not let us do the work for you?

Pop-Culture-Corn has created a perfect mix tape for every purpose or occasion. Simply consult the list below for the message you want to convey, select enough tracks to fill your tape, then download the accompanying artwork for the cassette case. (Actually dubbing the songs is your responsibility--we can't do everything for you, and in any case, it's probably illegal.) Present your tape to the intended recipient according to the suggestions provided, and sit back--results are guaranteed!

Thanks to Christopher Coolidge, Francis Heaney, Tyler Hewitt, "Legula," Dave Lifton, Danielle Moreau, Lois Slain and Matt Springer.

I Want to Fuck You. Right Now.

You know what you want. Why waste time chit-chatting about the weather?

Include all of these:
"Let's Get It On," Marvin Gaye
"Sexy Motherfucker," Prince
"Orgasm," Porno for Pyros
"Sexy Mexican Maid," Red Hot Chili Peppers
"I'd Rather Fuck You," NWA
"Do Me Baby," Prince
"Foxy Lady," Jimi Hendrix
"Justify My Love," Madonna
"Can't Get Enough of Your Love" or "Love Seranade," Barry White
"Laid," James
"Wicked Game," Chris Isaak
"Gett Off," Prince
"Why Don't We Do It In The Road," the Beatles
"Get Up I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine," James Brown
"The Great Gig in the Sky," Pink Floyd
Any other song by Prince

Choose 4-5 of the following: "Hoochie Coochie Man," Muddy Waters; "C'Mon Let's Spawn," Make Up; "I Want To Make Love To You," Pajama Slave Dancers; "Closer," Nine Inch Nails; "Quiet Nights of Quiet Stars," Frank Sinatra; "Tired Of Being Alone," Al Green; "Making Flippy Floppy," Talking Heads; "The Humpty Dance," Digital Underground; "You Look Like Rain," Morphine; "Let's Spend the Night Together," the Rolling Stones; "I Want Your Sex," George Michael; "Ramrod," Bruce Springsteen

Presentation: Be smooth. Play this in the car on the way home from dinner or a show. Casually mention how long it's been since you've slept with anyone.

This Relationship Isn't Big Enough For the Two of Us

Help that special someone to realize he/she just isn't that damn special anymore.

Include all of these:
"These Boots Are Made for Walking," Nancy Sinatra
"Mr. Bitterness," Soul Coughing
"Broken Hearts Are For Assholes," Frank Zappa
"It's Too Late, Baby," Carole King
"Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover," Paul Simon
"I Will Survive," Gloria Gaynor
"You're No Good," Linda Rondstadt
"It's All Over Now," Rolling Stones
"Song for the Dumped", Ben Folds Five
"Love Will Tear Us Apart," Joy Division
"Lyin' Ass Bitch," Fishbone
"Valentine's Day is Over," Billy Bragg
"Another Girl," The Beatles
"I Hope You're Happy Now," Elvis Costello
"A Case Of You," Joni Mitchell

Choose 4-6 of the following: "The Freed Pig," Sebadoh; "For You," Bruce Springsteen; "I Wanna Be Around," Frank Sinatra; "Breaking Up Is Easy To Do," Violent Femmes; "I Don't Know What You Want But I Can't Give It Anymore," Pet Shop Boys; "Train in Vain," The Clash; "This Town Ain't Big Enough For the Both Of Us," Sparks; "Your Dictionary," XTC; "H-A-T-R-E-D," Tonio K; "Idiot Wind," Bob Dylan; "She's A Girl and I'm A Man," Lloyd Cole; "Go Your Own Way," Fleetwood Mac; "This Bird's Got to Fly," Los Lobos; "Don't Come Around Here No More," Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Presentation: Hide this on the recipient's person, preferably before leaving town for a long while. Upon returning, avoid that person's phone calls; eventually they'll listen to the tape enough times and stop calling.

I Have Been, Am, and Will Be Watching You

She might not understand the depth of your love. She might even be frightened by it. A mix tape will help her--make her--understand.

Include all of these:
"Run For Your Life," The Beatles
"Every Breath You Take," The Police
"Hey Joe," Jimi Hendrix
"Delilah," Tom Jones
"I Used to Love Her," Guns 'N Roses
"You Belong to Me," Elvis Costello and the Attractions
"Over Your Shoulder," Concrete Blonde
"Don't Leave MxFNw," Pink Floyd
"Johnny Feelgood," Liz Phair
"Old Pervert," The Soft Boys
"Pictures of You," The Cure
"Walkin' After Midnight," Patsy Cline
"I Want You," Elvis Costello and the Attractions
Any version of "Frankie and Johnny"

Choose 3-4 of the following: "Is She Really Going Out With Him," Joe Jackson; "Absolutely Cuckoo" or "I Shatter," Magnetic Fields; "Living in Paradise" or "Hand in Hand," Elvis Costello and the Attractions; "I Just Want to Meet the Man," Robbie Fulks; "Lovesick," Bob Dylan; "We Are Each Other," The Beautiful South; "Electric Guitar," Talking Heads; "Real By Real," XTC; "More Than I Can Do," Steve Earle; "Wild Horses," Rolling Stones

Presentation: Place discreetly in mailbox, or on the hood of recipient's car, being careful not to violate any restraining orders. Watch carefully to make sure recipient picks it up.

Life Is Miserable and Will Only Get Worse. Why Not End it Now?

A discreet message to that depressed friend or relative that life's just too short--hint, hint.

Include all of these:
"Suicide is Painless (Theme from 'M*A*S*H')"
"Tomorrow, Wendy," Concrete Blonde
"Love Will Tear Us Apart," Joy Division
"Good Feeling," Violent Femmes
"What Else is New?," Dinosaur Jr.
"Something In the Way," Nirvana
"Everybody Hurts," R.E.M.
"Story of My Life" or "Ball and Chain," Social Distortion
"Knockin' on Heaven's Door," Bob Dylan
"Asleep," The Smiths
"Gasoline," Big Black
"Seasons in the Sun," Terry Jacks
"Isolation," John Lennon
"Too Far Down," Husker Du
"Tonight's The Night," Neil Young
"Goodbye Cruel World," Pink Floyd

Choose 3-4 of the following: "Pink Moon," Nick Drake; "She Took a Lot of Pills and Died," Robbie Fulks; "The Happy Phantom," Tori Amos; "Bad Life," Public Image Ltd.; "Panic in Detroit," David Bowie; "Suicide Song," Loudon Wainwright III; "Life Sucks Then You Die," The Fools; "Auf Wiedersehn," Cheap Trick; "Via Chicago," Wilco; "Night Time," Big Star; "Bad Sneakers," Steely Dan; "Bottle Up And Explode," Elliott Smith; "The Ocean Doesn't Want Me," Tom Waits

Presentation: Accompany tape with a fifth of Absolut and a bottle of sleeping pills.

My Parties Are Lame

You may not be the hippest guy or gal, but damn it, you like a good time just as much as the next guy! Or gal! You may have already received several copies of this mix in your lifetime; in fact, it is theorized that every extant copy was dubbed from a single master, created by an unidentified fraternity pledge sometime in the late '80s.

Include all of these:
"It's the End of the World as We Know It," R.E.M.
"Come On Eileen," Dexy's Midnight Runners
"Jump," Van Halen
"My Sharona," the Knack
"Legs," ZZ Top
"Call Me Al," Paul Simon
"Bizarre Love Triangle," New Order
"What I Like About You," the Romantics
"Don't You Forget About Me," Simple Minds
"I Can't Help Falling in Love With You," UB40
"She Drives Me Crazy," Fine Young Cannibals
"Walk of Life," Dire Straits
"She Talks to Angels" or "Hard to Handle," the Black Crowes
"Hurts So Good," John Cougar
Any Huey Lewis & the News single

Choose 3-4 of the following: "Sledgehammer," Peter Gabriel; "Rockin' Me Baby," The Steve Miller Band; "Radar Love," Golden Earring; any song by Foreigner, Boston, REO Speedwagon, or Meat Loaf; "Sweet Home Chicago," the Blues Brothers; "Invisible Touch," Genesis; "Down Under," Men at Work; "We Will Rock You," Queen; "Rock N Roll," Gary Glitter

Presentation: Give the recipient the tape.

I Am So in Love With You Even I Find it Nauseating

Sometimes you just need to say what's on your mind, even if you hate yourself in the morning.

Include all of these:
"Your Song," Elton John
"Fields of Gold," Sting
"Love Me Tender," Elvis Presley
"I Just Called to Say I Love You," Stevie Wonder
"My Love," Wings
"Don't Give Up on Us," David Soul
"I Honestly Love You," Olivia Newton-John
"You Light Up My Life," Debbie Boone
"I Have to Say I Love You in a Song," Jim Croce
"When a Man Loves a Woman," Michael Bolton
"Here There and Everywhere," the Beatles
"God Only Knows," The Beach Boys
"I'm In Love With A Girl," Big Star
"Never My Love," The Association
"Feelings," Morris Albert

Choose 3-4 of the following: "True," Spandau Ballet; "Everyday I Write the Book," Elvis Costello; "Let My Love Open The Door," Pete Townshend; "Fall At Your Feet," Crowded House; "Secret Heart," Ron Sexsmith; "Someone To Watch Over Me," Ella Fitzgerald; "Sick of Myself," Matthew Sweet; "I Only Have Eyes for You," the Flamingos; "Annie's Song," John Denver; "The Wind Beneath My Wings," Bette Midler; "I Will Always Love You," Whitney Houston; "Colour My World," Chicago; "She's So Mundane," Chris Chandler; "Luv Song," Jane Jensen; "Jamie," Weezer

Presentation: Take recipient on romantic weekend getaway to a fabulous 5-star hotel. Bribe cleaning service into putting tape on pillow in lieu of a mint.

I Can't Dance

Did your last party stiff when some smart-aleck DJ got it into his head that you and your friends enjoy dancing to funk or hardcore? Party worry-free with this selection of the most enjoyable, and least complicated, dance music ever made.

Include all of these:
"Celebration," Kool & the Gang
"Dancing Queen," Abba
"Stayin' Alive," Bee Gees
"We Are Family," Sister Sledge
"December, 1963 (Oh What A Night)," the Four Seasons
"YMCA," The Village People
"You Shook Me (All Night Long)," AC/DC
"I Love the Nightlife," Alicia Bridges
"Disco Inferno," The Trampps
"Heart of Glass," Blondie
"Bizarre Love Triangle," New Order
"Jive Talkin'," Bee Gees
"Takin' Care Of Business," Bachman Turner Overdrive

Choose 4-5 of the following: "Dancing on the Ceiling," Lionel Richie; "Shout," the Isley Brothers; "Everybody Have Fun Tonight," Wang Chung; "Rhythm of the Night," Shalamar; "Knowing Me Knowing You," Abba; "Boogie Shoes," KC and the Sunshine Band; "Fly Robin Fly," Silver Convention; "Brick House," the Commodores

Presentation: Play tape at your next party. When recipient-to-be comments on how cool it is, offer it to them. (There is, unfortunately, a significant chance that recipient already has a compilation containing most of these songs.)