Is Ringo Starr the Best Beatle?

You know, when you want to write about the other Threetles, there's always an angle you can take. Paul is the unjustly maligned brilliant one, John is the unfairly lionised brilliant one, George is the quietly bitter talented one, and Ringo...well, I find it hard to articulate in three words or less why Ringo rules. In no particular order, then, a few reasons why the Beatles ain't the Beatles without Ringo.

DRUMMING

Well, duh. I've had long, pointless arguments with friends and workmates over the merits of Ringo's drumming. They say he's dull or pedestrian or just not very good, and I take the opportunity to say in this semi-public forum: bollocks! Have you listened to "Rain"? Have you listened to "Tomorrow Never Knows"? That's some stellar stuff. And Ringo's drumming is not only great when it matters, it's always *appropriate*. You don't see him doing a Sheila E. freakout, you don't get bored by him like you do with Jim Keltner , and the most uninspired of Ringo's drumming beats the hell out of Paul's workmanlike job on "The Ballad of John and Yoko." Of course he's not Keith Moon, but who is? Who would want to be? Ringo's got plenty of skills.

HEIGHT & OTHER PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS

Ringo is shorter than the other Beatles. This makes him more approachable. Moreoever, his headshaking was less a girlie-attracting ploy than a natural, shaggy-dog reaction to his own skills. He has a sweet smile and--admit it--a sexy mouth. In addition, I am willing to lay a wager that his hair during 1962-1965 was shinier than any other Beatles'. That's got to count for something.

THOMAS

I don't think this is relevant to America, but in the colonial backwater from which I hail, Ringo is the comforting voice of the animated Thomas the Tank Engine. He and the Fat Controller make many a wee tot's morning a happier place. Everyone say "Awww."

MOVIE ACTING

Is there any more adorable scene in all Beatle history than Ringo, unkempt and hungover, wandering along a canal bank as a mournful instrumental of "This Boy" plays in the background?

Damn right there isn't. The fact that he wasn't really acting makes it even cuter.

MALAPROPISMS

The Fabs had that endearingly wacky reputation for a good few years, right? Well, Ringo did more than his fair share of contributing to their charm. John may have had the ability to make retarded faces, and he may have published two works of mutated fun and frolics, but you don't want to discount Ringo. "A hard day's night"--that's Ringo's. "Eight days a week"--that's him again. You cannot deny his wacky power.

VOCALS

Ringo is not the best singer in the world, and I would be stupid to make that argument. But let me just say: "Boys." That song rocks. And, of course, "I'VE GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!"--surely his finest vocal moment. His speaking voice is attractively deep and friendly, too.

MANNER

During the long, cold post-Beatle years, Ringo has managed to maintain some degree of dignity. (Please, let's ignore Caveman and those awful earrings for the moment, shall we?) When interviewed, he is charmingly self-deprecating. He doesn't bitch or lie about who wrote what or how he only got to sing on one song per album. He doesn't whine about how mean John was or how bossy Paul was or how much Linda and Yoko sucked. Nor does he conduct his interviews on a tugboat. Ringo has nothing to prove. He just *is*.

OTHER IMPORTANT MISCELLANY

He really *was* working-class.

He's the only Beatle who looks good with a beard.

He never had to share a wife with George.

He took baked beans to India in a suitcase.

He wore pimp-daddy rings before the style had been invented.

When he left the band during the long dark Let it Be sessions, the other guys missed him so much they sent him flowers.

If all that isn't enough for you, how's this for a wanky theory I have heard propounded on a few occasions: the Beatles, as four distinct parts of the same whole, symbolize popular culture's intellectualism (John), beauty (Paul), spirituality (George), and just plain down to earth fun (guess who?). Without Ringo, they aren't the culturally significant, goddamned great fucking band we all adore. Enough said. Vive le Ringo!