Meco, Dance Your Asteroids Off

What's the kitschiest CD you own?

Go ahead; take a look. Flip through the racks of your personal collection and pick one out.

Is it Milli Vanilli? Vanilla Ice? Regis Philbin?

It should be Dance Your Asteroids Off, the new compilation disc from Meco. Do you remember Meco? He did a series of inexplicably successful revisions of classic film scores throughout the late seventies and early eighties, including the Close Encounters theme and The Wizard of Oz. This collection focuses solely on the work he did using John Williams' music from the Star Wars films, and man, it's a doozy.

The disc opens with what was probably his biggest hit, his blowout number for the first Star Wars film, replete with sound effects from the film and swingin' disco beat. Hearing the now-seminal strains of Williams' Star Wars main titles music pumped out over wah-wah guitar chords and a slammin' dance groove is so deliciously awful that it's good. Real good. This tune alone makes the disc worth a purchase; it's got all the Lucasian embarassment value of the Star Wars Holiday Special.

But it doesn't quit there! No, Meco takes us on a tour of his music from all FOUR Star Wars films. The Empire Strikes Back is represented by a whopping four tracks, including the classic "Imperial March." Return of the Jedi boasts two truly odd tracks, a remake of the old song from Jabba's palace, "Lapti Nek," and an "Ewok Celebration" cut featuring C-3PO rapping in Ewokese.

Read that sentence again. No, really, I insist. Fine, then I'll just write it again: the "Ewok Celebration" cut features C-3PO RAPPING IN EWOKESE. He's RAPPING IN EWOKESE. Rapping. C-3PO. In EWOKESE. And this was on the radio. In the mid-eighties. Really.

Okay, I'll stop now, but hopefully you now have some sense of the full kitsch glory of this disc's many offerings. Oh, but hold on--there's so much more. Meco has been busy over the past year updating his catalogue with a few new tunes, all based on last summer's blockbuster hit The Phantom Menace. First off is his remake of "Duel of the Fates," the orchestral single released from the film's soundtrack. It's your standard instrumental techno number, but it has its moments.

THEN--and that's a massive THEN, folks--we get into the true treasure of this album, a tune entitled "Cousin Jar Jar." It can only be described as a "novelty single," though it's so much more. It's a light dance number with a riff ripped off from the Isley Brothers about the crazy Gungan from Phantom Menace. Only it's not really Jar Jar, it's Jar Jar's cousin.

"Jar Jar? I know Jar Jar. So when mesa see him, mesa say you sayin' hi," he intones on the track, in an eerie approximation of Ahmed Best's voicework for the CG sidekick. "Dere's a no chance yousa get me on the floor! Mesa hear the Macarena?! Mesa headed for the door!"

Those would be the "lyrics," though the term "words" seems somehow more fitting for such a blissfully inelegant set of syllables. And they're just a small sample of the insanity boasted by "Cousin Jar Jar." Ponder how these songwriters actually wrote out these words, actually paid for studio time to record this number, actually hired studio players and professional singers to bring this tune to life. Terrifying, but I for one am thrilled, because this is the most gleefully awful song I've heard since I bought William Shatner's album The Transformed Man. Yummy.

Do you enjoy tunes so bad they're good? Are the Golden Throats collections proudly displayed on your CD racks? Do you own Vanilla Ice, Milli Vanilli, Regis Philbin? If so, then you MUST own this CD. It is jam-packed with laugh-out-loud treasures, whether you're a Star Wars fan or just a fan of gloriously awful music. There isn't a bad track on Dance Your Asteroids Off, but there isn't really a good track, either, and that's what makes it a priceless gem.