Juxtaposeur: Battlefield Earth

Based on the 1982 novel by Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, Battlefield Earth comes to the big screen thanks largely to John Travolta, a faithful Scientologist himself.

In addition to starring in the film as super-bad alien Terl, Travolta co-produced the film, and was largely responsible for landing the considerable financing for the film.

It's the year 3000, and it's been bad news for the human race for the last millennium - a nine-minute invasion by an alien race (the Psychlos) in 2000 reduced Earth's surviving inhabitants to either slaves or primitive refugees. Alien Terl (Travolta) receives word from the "Home Office" that he is to do extended duty on Earth, which prompts him and assistant Ker (Forest Whitaker) to set up their own secret mining operation, powered by human slave power.

For some dumb reason, Terl takes a fancy to Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), a recently captured pretty-boy human. Jonnie is allowed to download scads of valuable Psychlo and human knowledge straight into his brain - presumably to assist with Terl's gold-mining operation - but of course our hero is now intellectually prepared to lead an insurgency. The humans go after the gigantic, badly-groomed Psychlos in a bid to take the planet back.

If it sounds bad, that's because it is. Critics have a "Battlefield day" with this drivel - so sit back, relax, and bask in the derogatory critical pronouncements.

Andrew O'Hehir of Salon scores several times in his humorous review, first concerning the overabundance of dreadlocked hair in the film. "There's more [hair] in this movie than in the sink trap at Supercuts," writes Andrew, which results in the cast looking "like they know where to find truly excellent weed." O'Hehir has a theory that " Battlefield Earth was directed by a software program that absorbed and reprocessed the standard sci-fi elements of the past 30 years."

Desson Howe of the Washington Post cut to the chase in his review of Battlefield Earth: "We're talking 'Ishtar of the Apes.' " Desson says the film is "a third-rate sci-fi flick, full of laughable moments," that "saves its scariest moment for the end: a virtual guarantee that there will be a sequel."

Yikes.

Chicago Tribune film critic Michael Wilmington has a news flash for John Travolta: "Bringing L. Ron Hubbard's Battlefield Earth to the big screen (and starring in it) wasn't a good idea." Michael must have really been screwed-up by this loser, as his review is not up to his usual standard. He says the flick "plays like an uglier, Earth-bound Star Wars, interrupted by frequent Psychlo temper tantrums."

"It's hard to say which is the most embarrassing moment in this fever dream of a movie," writes Cynthia Fuchs of PopMatters, but she illustrates several for us to choose from in her review of Battlefield Earth. Even the eye-candy disappoints, according to Cynthia. "It's true that the movie does offer a kind of video-gamey visual excess -- but for all the money and hype, these effects aren't very convincing or fabulous."

Finally, Roger Ebert says "Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way." Awarding a mere one-half star to this flick, Roger feels that Battlefield Earth is "a film that for decades to come will be the punchline of jokes about bad movies."

Well, another monumentally bad science fiction movie in a year that's already suffered from its share. Remember Supernova? Probably not. On the positive side, the Juxtaposeur thinks that Brian De Palma is probably very happy about Battlefield Earth.

Maybe people will now forget about Mission to Mars when making jokes about expensively bad sci-fi movies.

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