This feud between myself and Chris Carter is getting a bit out of hand.

Sure, you're bored already. Hearing celebrities bitch about each other ain't much fun. Still, I want to try and make some peace, and I think exposing some of what's been going on is the only real way to do it. As some of you may recall, I wrote a column for this very webzine several months ago with the opening line: "Boy, Chris Carter is an pretentious prick, isn't he?" (THAT'S subtlety for ya. Sounds like a line from a Brecht play.) From there, the piece went on to detail how disgusting it is to me that Carter strings his audience along endlessly with the plots on his show, offering no real answers but fake teases that transform into bigger questions upon closer examination. (Mind you, I wrote this having seen the show twice. Boy, I gots some moxie, don't I?)

Apparently the pages of PCC are avidly followed by the Hollywood elite, because that column caused quite a flap in Tinseltown. The column had been online for just a few days when I received the following E-mail:

To: matt@pccmag.com
From: ccarter@xfiles.com
Subject: Your dickish column

"Mr. Springleberry",
     where do you get off insulting me and my show? What do yu know about television production? I ready your column and it pised me off. I have all of my mythology planned out just like the gods of Athens and the great trilogies of plays by Shakespeare and George Lucas. I am a visionary and you are a crap columnist who can't get laid and will never find a job. You come to Vancouver anytime and I'll beat your ass so bad, there'll be more fog on the inside of your head than on the outside.

Later, dweeb,
cc

And so it began. Word came back from the swankiest parties in L.A. that my name had been dragged through buckets of mud by Carter and his crew. From what I've been told by my contacts, it even led to a fight at the recent premiere of "The X- Files" between Carter and one of PCC's biggest celebrity fans, Mark Hamill. Duchovny had to tear them apart at the desert table.

As exciting as it is to have Luke Skywalker fighting on my behalf (thanks again, Mark! When are we gonna go clubbing again, bud? Call me!), hate is never a positive thing. Neither are lawsuits, which is what PCC may face if I don't fall to my knees and plead forgiveness from the almighty GOD of NINETIES SCI-FI. Plus, I collect celebrity panties, and there ain't no way I'm gettin' a pair of Gillian Anderson's lacy undernothings unless I make my peace with Chris Carter.

I'm sure some of you will read this as a spineless journalistic retreat. Go ahead. I've never claimed to have a spine; just because I write and people read it doesn't mean I have integrity. Smoke your bowls of journalistic ethics somewhere else, news junkies; this is one starfucking wordsmith who's headed for the top, no matter what it takes!

Besides, it's easy to kiss Carter's pimply ass and beg forgiveness, because "The X- Files" is one top-notch summer blockbuster. As I've mentioned before, I don't watch the show. But I followed the film perfectly, even if I didn't care much what happened in terms of Carter's almighty "mythology." Surprisingly, the movie worked very well as a stand-alone sci-fi thriller. With its Byzantine plot twists and clever action sequences, it even presented something rare for summer movies: stuff that forces you to think in between the explosions and chase scenes.

I don't want to give too much of the plot away; that might spoil the film for those "X- Philes" who have not yet seen the movie. There are bees, black ooze, some aliens that look like the aliens from "Aliens" as opposed to the aliens from "Communion" and "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" (which is good; at least Carter's moving to more current and recognizable ripoffs. JOKING, Carter! Gimme a break! We're buds now--I loved your movie!). All of the performers do a very nice job, though some claim that Duchovny and Anderson are very forced in their roles as Mulder and Scully, showing none of the natural chemistry that has developed on television. Personally, I think they did just fine, turning in some great work alongside a few powerhouse Oscar babies, Martin Landau and Armin Mueller-Stahl. Landau is fantastic as a paranoid doctor who has more pieces to the puzzle than he lets on, and Mueller-Stahl is grossly underused as the mastermind at the head of the "conspiracy."

At any rate, "The X- Files" is above-average summer movie fare, full of thrills and chills and gross crawly things that move beneath people's skin. It keeps you on the edge of your seat while at the same time keeping your brain awake. Go see it.

(Is that good, Mr. Carter and legal team? Can we be buddies now? Can I have a pair of Gillian Anderson's underpants? PLEASE?!?!)