Ain't It Kewl Coming Horizons Insider #9

Hola, film fanz! Not much time to write this installment of Ain't it Kewl--I'm on my way to my local Sony multiplex to start da campout for one of da most eagerly awaited moviez of da millennium: X-Men!!!!!!

In just a few minutes, me and Papa Kewl and Jesus of Kewl and Kewlbot will head on down with our sleeping bags, our ten cases of Cheetos and twenty longboxes of vintage X-Men comix, 2 kamp out and chat X-Men and just be kewl movie geekz!!!!!

So before I leave, a few juicy bits that have glided thru my inbox like da hot form of Storm gliding over da hilltopz!!!! (oooooh me love halle berry me want to make her my love popsicle and lick her until she melts oooooh)

HARRY POTTER CASTING NEWZ!!!!

Is there a more kewler film series coming than the Harry Potter moviez??!! Maybe Lord of the Rings!!! Maybe Matrix!!!! Or maybe Star Wars!!!! Kewlness overload geekasms! Now one of my inside sources on da Harry filmz, Hagrid himself, has lumbered over to his owl and flown me a sizzling magikal skewp...

Harry--Hagrid here, deep within Hogwarts, reporting a secret casting rumor from the heart of the Harry Potter film production.

As you will recall, one of the names attached to the Harry Potter film at first was Steven Spielberg. We all know how he loves technology and making new advances in movie FX. Apparently, he's had several closed-door, hush-hush meetings with Chris Columbus and J.K. Rowling about who should play Harry P. and he's talked them into his idea. Harry Potter will be played by none other than...

Henry Thomas.

Yep, the kid from E.T. who is now in his twenties. Through a combination of current filming and manipulation of his performance in E.T., it will be made to appear as though he's still eleven years old, and he'll star in the Harry Potter films. J.K. Rowling was said to be so enamored of the idea that she wept and kissed Spielberg's hand at the meeting.

Harry Potter played by Elliot?!?! KKKKKKEEEEEWWWWWLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAT NASTY HARRISON FORD/ALIENS VERSUS PREDATOR RUMOR

Remember reading on Ain't it Cool News and on Cinescape Online about dat stupid Harrison Ford rumor and him being in Aliens Versus Predator???? Well it twern't so stupid after all, dooz!!!! Check out da report from Bishop himself...

Bishop filing with an exclusive transmission from the Nostromo.

The Harrison Ford/James Cameron rumors are all true. They will be pairing for Aliens Vs. Predator. Jet Li will portray the Predator. Steve Buscemi will play the Queen alien (voice only, visuals CG courtesy of ILM). Arnie will have a cameo as the Terminator robot. And they will uncover the frozen carcass of Jack from Titanic and he will become part of the adventuring team. Harrison Ford will play Indiana Jones and Steven Spielberg will exec produce and collaborate on the screenplay with Kevin Smith.

Solid stuff, Harry. Doubt me not.

Need I say more?!?!?!?!?! KKKKKKKKKEEEEWWWWWLLLLNNNNNNEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO WILL PLAY BOBA FETT????

Has Darth Hines ever steered us wrong before, film fanz??? I think not. He is my secret ultra skewpster in da bowelz of da Episode Two production. He is my eyes and ears at Lucasfilm. He digs up da dirt in da belly of da Sarlaac. He is DA MAN.

Harry--Darth Hines here. More Star Wars scoopage for you, this time on one of the trilogy's biggest tidbits: who will play Boba Fett?

Well, the most important question isn't that, but who will play his son??? Yep, Boba has a son. Check out Coming Attractions for that scoop. I'm sorry I couldn't get it to you sooner but production is picking up here and I'm working my gundark off.

Boba Fett's son will be played by...Greg Buis. Who, you ask??? The kid from Survivor, the blonde kid who does all the wacky jokes. The producers of Survivor knew the kid was a fan and flew Lucas out to visit the set as a surprise for the remaining survivors. Lucas and the kid hit it off and the next thing you know, he was cast.

As for Boba, this is one of the few parts in the history of Hollywood that will get even the most veteran actors screen-testing for! Lucas has taped screen tests with:

Jesse Ventura
Charlton Heston
Danny Devito
Ricky Martin

One of the four will get the nod. Very exciting times to be a Star Wars fan, Harry. I'm off to do some dastardly deeds.

YOU GO, DARTH HINES!!!!!!

AND I GO TOO. Off to da Sony for my campout. I'll file an exclusive report 4 PCC in a week or two, after I've gotten good and smelly and fat from all da Cheetos. GeekBot already ate half the box!!! BASTARD!!!!

Until next time,
Harry

Send me kewl scoops! E-mail me at harry@pccmag.com with all yer hot entertainment gossip! Kewl!