Just when you thought it was safe to see another summer movie...from the depths of the murky, black waters of Maine comes this year's monster bomb: Lake Placid. The featured creature of the month in this one is a 30-foot crocodile, which audiences will probably end up rooting for when they see the cardboard characters, unfunny dialogue and rehashed plot.

The stage gets set in the film's opening minutes. An exploring diver makes an unsettling discovery--he gets chewed in half. In ripped-off Jaws fashion, the gory deed is shown from the underwater perspective. The diver's dainty little feet flutter in the water as the tension-creating music pulsates. It's only a matter of time before he's a goner. The crocodile swims away without a trace, except for a part of a tooth lodged in the victim's body. The plot "thickens"--what is this deadly creature, and how do they stop it? It's up to a bumbling makeshift team to come with those answers.

Museum scientist Kelly Scott (Bridget Fonda) can't stand the great outdoors, and unfortunately for her is shipped up to Maine when the relationship with her New York City boss goes sour. Game Warden Jack Wells (Bill Pullman) doesn't like her city ways from the start and doesn't want her involved in the investigation. (Gee...I wonder if anything happens between them.) The obnoxiously narrow-minded town sheriff (Brendan Gleeson) would like nothing better to find this beast and kill it. And finally, enter eccentric mythology professor Hector Cyr (Oliver Platt) who thinks he's got the problem solved--it's a crocodile, a big one at that. In fact, he worships the ground these reptiles walk on. Of course, the movie doesn't exactly explain how this hush-hush matter in a tiny town spread to Hector, who drops by out of nowhere via helicopter. But that's the least of Lake Placid's problems.

Right from the start, the plot drips with predictability. Obviously, nobody believes Hector's theory about what exactly is out there. However, that naive sentiment only lasts for a few minutes. With the characters nearly getting eaten, the truth soon sinks in pretty hard. For viewers, though, few surprises will lurk in the depths of Lake Placid. The croc gruesomely kills two unsuspecting no-named extras, but just gives a few minor scratches to the main characters. And that's too bad. With everybody pigeonholed into a certain character, you almost hope they get munched because of their lack of believability. Can the sheriff be so dumb to fall into every trap set? Are we really supposed to believe that Hector goes on a suicide mission to swim with his obsession--and doesn't get killed? The only person even mildly enjoyable to watch is Betty White as the ditzy old woman (Golden Girls, anyone?) living on the lake. She's been feeding the creature all along and would be delighted if the crocodile took a bite out of the pitiful humans trying to stop it. Props go to her for the movie's best line: "If I had a dick, this is where I would tell you to suck it."

As for witty dialogue, that's the best it gets. Since the sheriff is overweight, quite a few jokes are geared his way. And Hector continually uses dime-store pick-up lines to try to get a deputy on the scene (Meredith Salenger) to sleep with him. C'mon now--is this middle school?

Lake Placid never exactly gets out of that childish frame of mind. Billed as a horror/comedy, this film sadly is neither. Director Steve Miner (Halloween: H20 and Friday the 13th, parts II and III) resorts to a few cheesy severed body parts to get a scare out of folks. Even the croc isn't that menacing. When it jumps onto land and the digital effects take over, it looks like Jar Jar Binks' ugly cousin rather than a ferocious scaly monster. Do yourself a favor and save the $7.50. If you're that desperate for a scary reptile story, ask a friend to tell to you about the animals that live in NYC's sewers. By far, it will be a more entertaining tale.