Ain't It Kewl Coming Horizons Insider #3

Hola, film fanz! Or shall I perhaps just say it without an exclamation point, 2 highlight my sadness in these hard daze?

Yes, I too mourn the passing of a great light in the showbiz stratosphere. When I was just a wee lil' geek, me da took me to see a very special movie. A movie that introduced me to a world of brilliant characters all brought to life by the same genius. The kewlest creative man that maybe the world has ever seen.

I'm speaking, of course, about Jim Varney. Even just typing the name gives me chills and makes me cry.....I better stop B4 I get all goopy...he was sooooooo kewl and he will be missed. Every1 say a prayer to da Geek Godz 4 da repose of his kewl soul.

Yer Spidey Sense May Tingle!!!

A kewl new tipster known only as Doctor Octopus has surfaced from da depths of da ocean to fill us up with kewly goodness regarding the new Spider-Man movie. Sam Raimi is on for directorial duties, David Koepp writing script...need I even say, KEWL?! KEWL?! KEWL?! On to da scoop...

Harold...I'm Doctor Octopus. Not just a villain, tho; no, my image has been misunderstood for so long. I'm also of the heroic persuasion, and when my tiny nanospies filtered through the air conditioning system and took up a position in Sam Raimi's production office, I decided that to contribute to the goodness of the film geek universe, I would report back a few tidbits I've managed to glean about the film. Enjoy.

1. Raimi has been screening episodes of the live-action Spidey show non-stop for weeks. He's obsessed.
2. There's been buzz that instead of making a new Spider-Man film with big budget and good cast, he'd take the ultra-cheap route and re-make an existing episode of the live-action show and use the same actors that were in that show.
3. Regardless, William Shatner is in as Mysterio. No question. Done deal.
4. The toys will be out four weeks before the movie and will include a Spider-Man doll that has real spider eggs inside him; when the spiders grow, they burst out from the doll's chest and wreak havoc on kids' homes. This is said to be inspired by a scene from Koepp's working draft of the script, though no one knows if this toy will make it out if they ditch Koepp's draft and go with an episode of the live-action show instead.

Harold, I adore the site. Keep up the good work.--D. Octopus

Too KEWL!!!!!!!!! Astute readers will recall that waaaaaay back on me old site, a tipster also mentioned Shatner's name in conjunction with Mysterio. Shatner with the cast of da ultrakewl seventies' live action Spidey show?! Where do I sign up for tix?! KEWLLLLLLLLLAAAAHHHH!?!

Episode 2 Casting Rumors: Bogus?? SOOOO NOT BOGUS!!!!

Well, anyone who was with the internet thru da entire controversey and madness surrounding Episode One rumors knowz dat Lucas sends out plenty of disinfo and misinfo to throw snooping scoopsters off da tracks. Well, Darth Hines ain't buyin' nothin' from L-man. No sireee. Here's his scoopage...read and weep if U must...

Harry baby--Darth Hines here. You know I'm solid gold because you already know my last Ep II scoop is solid gold goodness. Kewl, dooz. Computer writin' the script an' schizzz. Anywho, ya know dat shiz dat dropped last week about the racial mindedness an' stuff that Lynn Hale shot down like a Tie fighter? She was so full of it she stinks like Bantha poodoo. Dat's on da hook, bro. Totaleeee. Here's da exclusive character rundown:

Quim-Ko Miyagi: the Asian character who's good at martial arts; he's also quite skilled at math

Ho-How Fleetfoot: the American Indian character who will be spiritual an' shizz

Po-No Kowalksi: the big comic relief for Ep II; he's a polish Jedi an' he's really clumsy

Kai-Dai Pakarami: the Indian character who runs an intergalactic convenience store and wears a turban

Juan-Don Ricardo: a Hispanic thug who starts out boostin' X-Wings but eventually becomes a Jedi with a neat switchblade lightsaber

Dan-Wo O'Reilly: the Irish Jedi is an alcoholic and loves to sing; he turns Anakin into an alcoholic and that's what turns him to the dark side

I don't know about you, HB-man, but this sounds pretty lame-ass.--Darth Hines

NOOOOOO, Darth!!!! YER SEW WRONG!!!!!!! Sounds TOTALLY KEWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LUCAS IS DA MAN! I wanna cry--his racial sensitivity and understanding is sew KEWL! He REALLY understands other cultures, and if U don't agree, then YOU'RE SOOOOOO WRONG!!!!!!! He can do noooooooo WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! LUCAS IS DA UBERKEWLLLLL!!!!!!!!

Hannibal the Animal?!

Will Sir Anthony Hopkins transform into a giraffe in da new movie Hannibal? Will he? WILL HE?! I dunno...am I ever wrong?! Dat's what I thought...

Lotsa juice in da few scoopz...I'm off to watch all the Ernest moviez in one sitting with Poppa Kewl...

Hasta, film fanz,
Harry