Ain't It Kewl Coming Horizons Insider #7

Hola, film fanz!

I'm not very happy right now! No, I'm not! Not at all!

Why, you ask?

Because Entertainment Weekly said that I was a "lame satire"!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They don't know ME! I'm HARRY BAWLES!!! I hold great power in da film industry!!!! Many film creators contact me for my input into their kewl projects!!!! Ya know what I say to them?! I say, "Yer KEWL because you make moviez and I don't!!!!"

Here's a copy of the letter I sent to Entertainment Weekly, or should I say...Entertainment Pooply?! Because that's what they are...poop!

Dear to whom it may concerns,

I was very upset 2 read in da April 21 issue of yer "magazine" that U think that my column on Pop-Culture-Corn is just "lame satire." Me not lame! Me not satire! Me report on movie newz because I love moviez!

If U had half the passion 4 moviez that I do, then you would understand where I come from!!! I have a room full of kewl action figures and toys!!! I sleep beneath a Jane Fonda vintage Barbarella poster!!! It's kewl!

Next time U make a STUPID comment like the one U made, please don't make it in a magazine! Make it in a bathroom, because that's where it belongs, because it's poop!

And if U readerz want REAL kewl film news every two weeks, read my column, Ain't It Kewl Coming Horizons Insider, at www.pccmag.com and you will C what a kewl film geek I am!

Mahalo,
Harry Bawles
Gary, IN

I hope they publish it...that would be kewl and I'd be vindicated!

LUCAS CAMEO IN EPISODE TWO?!

Well, if this is true--and based on my source, there's no reason to believe it isn't--then Ain't It Kewl has just blown the lid off the next Star Wars movie once again!!! Here's Darth Bertha with a super-secret spy report...

Harry B.--I got what you might call a case of the "scoops." Actually, I only got one big one for ya, but hopefully more will come soon. Apparently, Lucas is planning a big surprise for fans in Episode Two, in the form of a cameo by himself at the end of the film!!! He's gonna play the minister who marries Anakin and Amidala. He's also considering doing some wacky voice schtick as an homage to the minister character in Spaceballs. You can bet the bank on this one, man. Solid stuff. I swear to god.

WOW! Lucas making cameo in a Star Wars movie---uberkewl!!!! Wacky schtick like dat god Mel Brooks!!! Double ubermegakewl!!!!! Geekgasms abound!!!!

WHO WILL DIRECT TERMINATOR 3???

Da big newz is that James Cameron will not be returning to direct da next film in dat series of geekgazmic ultrakewlness, the Terminator film series. That's such a shame...I fired up my laserdisc boxed set of Terminator 2 last night to mourn the occasion and cried my widdle eyesies out because I was sooooo sad about it!!!

But kewlness can rise from lameness. This much I know. And the kewlness I speak of right now is the new director who will guide da Terminator series into the next millennium. One of my sources (who shall remain nameless, but thank you, godly source of kewl newsness for the Terminator moviez!!!!) leaked out a memo circulating throughout Tinseltown that deals with the names being bandied about to direct the next Terminator movie. Are U ready, film fanz?!?! Feast yer eyes...

Stephen Spielberg
Martin Scorsese
David Lynch
The resurrected spirit of Alfred Hitchcock
Arnold Schwartzenegger

That last one's the kewlest, because if Arnie directs, word is that he also wants to write the film and star in it himself!!! Arnie writing a movie script?!?! Toooo KEWL!!!!! Rumor has it that he, Bruce Willis and Jean-Claude Van Damme have been meeting at an abandoned Planet Hollywood restaurant to brainstorm scripts, and one of the ideas they're discussing is where to take da Terminator series.

HOW KEWL IS DAT?!?! Too KEWL, that's how KEWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMERICAN PSYCHO SEQUEL DETAILS!!!!!!

With the big opening weekend for da first American Psycho film (which was superkewl, by the way), da suits in da H-wood hood are already discussing sequel concepts. Well, a little bird tells me that one possible sequel idea has the evil killer of Psycho meeting...none other than Jason Voorhes!!!! And another sequel idea has Freddy Krueger showing up in da universe of American Psycho!!!! Need I say it, film fanz?

KEWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until next time,
Harry

Send me kewl scoops! E-mail me at harry@pccmag.com with all yer hot entertainment gossip! Kewl!