For Immediate Release:
Contact: Matt Springer, Ecomnetweb, matt@pccmag.com
ECOMNETWEB ANNOUNCES BOLD NEW INTERNET STRATEGY
Chicago, IL--The founding board members of Ecomnetweb--Matt Springer, Brian Bender and Tom McKone--announced today that they've developed a bold new strategy for the internet.
At a star-studded press conference for both the media and several hundred industry professionals, the trio revealed their long-awaited plans to make use of today's most rapidly-growing technology: the internet.
"We feel as though the next step in web evolution is clearly to make money on the internet," explained McKone as a buzzing ripple of anticipation swept over the crowd. "Our top-secret business plan, which is currently hermaneutically sealed inside a pickle jar under Funk & Wagnall's front porch, will give Ecomnetweb the tools it needs to drain the planet dry through the information superhighway. Truly, there has never been a more exciting time to be us."
"Though we're not prepared to release the full details of our plans just yet, suffice it to say that we uncovered some startling data regarding money and the internet," said Bender. "People do give money on the internet to other people in exchange for goods and services. This is the kind of future marketplace in which companies willing to take money from other people, companies like Ecomnetweb, can flourish."
On hand for the exciting announcement were such internet luminaries as Mahir, star of the wildly popular "I Kiss You" webpage; Danni, of Danni's Hard Drive; and Mark Hamill, the creative force behind the blockbuster Star Wars films.
"Truly, the Force is with Ecomnetweb," said Hamill. "Luminous beings are they, not this crude matter. How do you think that sounded? Do you think they'd hire me for a commercial? My kid needs braces."
Contact: Matt Springer, Ecomnetweb, matt@pccmag.com
ECOMNETWEB PROJECTS ONE GAZILLION DOLLARS IN PROFITS FOR 1Q 2001
Chicago, IL--The huge buzz surrounding Ecomnetweb in advance of its initial public offering continues to build, as its three founding board members announced today its landmark projections for earnings in its first quarter of operations, revealing a planned profit of over one gazillion dollars for its first three months.
"Someone had to break the gazillion barrier, and well, it may as well have been us," quipped Ecomnetweb board member Matt Springer as he revealed a giant check for one gazillion dollars made out to Ecomnetweb to a stunned crowd of press and industry leaders. "How many zeroes are in a gazillion, anyway?"
The announcement sent scientists scurrying to their calculators to puzzle out just how much a gazillion actually equals, and sent investors scurrying to their brokers for the latest word on when Ecomnetweb would hit the market for trading. Ecomnetweb is already one of the year's hottest stocks, and it hasn't even gone public yet.
"You really can't underestimate the power of the web, especially when there's computers involved," said Tom McKone, an Ecomnetweb executive directing found partner. "There's no limit to the limits, no boundaries around the boundaries. Everything is endless."
The thrilling press conference was attended by a veritable "who's who" of the digital oligarchy, including Amazon.Com founder Jeff Bezos, Ain't it Cool News webmaster Harry Knowles and science-fiction icon Mark Hamill.
"We have to confess, we expected this all along," explained Ecomnetweb founding partner Brian Bender as he cheerfully burned one hundred dollar bills for a small crowd of delighted reception attendees. "When you realize that there is an internet out there, and that people spend money on it...the rest is simple arithmetic."
"Ecomnetweb is poised to slice through its online competition like a lightsaber through a Tie Fighter," gushed Hamill. "Do you think they'll pay me in stock options, like Shatner? That would be pretty sweet."
Contact: Matt Springer, Ecomnetweb, matt@pccmag.com
ECOMNETWEB ANNOUNCES PLANS TO LAUNCH ITS WEBSITE ON THE INTERNET
Chicago, IL--In the kind of bold strategy that has become their trademark, the three founding partners of Ecomnetweb announced today that they plan to launch their new website, Ecomnetweb.Com, where it belongs--on the internet.
"We are an internet company dedicated to making money through the internet," explained Matt Springer, founding directive executive of Ecomnetweb, in a star-studded press conference. "It only makes sense that we launch our webpage where our company's heart is located: on the World Wide Web."
The site, which is set to debut in 3Q 2001, will feature exclusive features designed to earn Ecomnetweb nearly one gazillion dollars of profit in its first quarter of operation. A beta version of the site is currently available at Pop-Culture-Corn Magazine (http://www.pccmag.com/).
"Obviously, this is the time to be doing stuff on the web, especially since it's on computers," said Brian Bender, Ecomnetweb's Director of Founding Executives. "It's the best kind of synergy."
After the exclusive press conference, a reception featuring rock legend Carlos Santana kept guests rocking until the wee hours, including Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, Priceline.Com pitchman William Shatner and Mark Hamill.
"Yeah, Ecomnetweb, that's way out, man," said Santana in a brief break between numbers. "Yeah."
"I'm ready to sign up for the Rebel forces at Ecomnetweb immediately, to overtake the Empire's control of the Death Star that is the internet," said Hamill. "I'm sorry. That didn't make sense. Shatner makes me nervous."
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