We're sure you've noticed all the newspaper headlines last season about Ricky Reynolds, star running back for the Northsouthern football team. He made quite a splash in his virtuoso athletic performances, to say the least.

Which makes it all the more thrilling that he's one of the four roomies at 999 Foster Street. We're very fortunate to have the chance to observe his life so closely, especially since he's as electric and unexpected off the field as he is on it. Needless to say, this makes interviewing him a particularly interesting experience.

Considering your busy schedule, we really appreciate you taking the time to talk to us.

Hey, no problem, man. What's your favorite aspect of my career?

Whoa. We're doing the interviewing here.

Yeah, I know, but I need to know where you're coming from, man. I need to know.

Well, I thought your yardage last season was pretty incredible.

It sure as fuck was, man! I'm awesome! You know what pisses me off sometimes?

No, Ricky. What pisses you off sometimes?

Fucking classes. I think there should be some kind of rule where if you're good at football, you don't have to go to classes. And if you get girls pregnant, you don't have to pay them or help them get abortions.

That's a pretty controversial stance there, Ricky.

What does that mean?

Well, it's a controversial stance.

No, dude. What does "controversial" mean? I'm not a fucking geek.

No one said you were. What do you think of your roommate, Dave?

Man, that's a fucking geek for you. What a loser. He don't know how to party.

Why is it so important to know how to party?

What else is there, dude?

Nothing, I guess. How about Dean Daniels? He seems really intent on destroying you, or something.

Yeah, dude! Totally! Why can't he just back off and accept how talented and great I am as a football player? Who's gonna remember my fucking grades when I'm famous?

I don't know.

Nobody, that's who! Jesus! Get with the program, Mr. Newspaper Man!

I'm trying. I'm trying.

Well, you're not trying hard enough. I thought I was slow! Not on the field, though. There I'm smooth.

Yeah.

Just like Santana, man. Smooth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One last question. What can readers expect when they click in to 999 Foster Street next Monday?

They can expect lotsa coolness, lotsa sweet babes and partying, everything's all good. That's what they can expect. And no bullshit geek stuff, like you usually find on the internet.

Really.

Yeah. I hate computers. They're for dorks, dude.

Well, um...thanks for your time, Ricky. See you at 999 Foster Street.

Yeah, I bet you will.