When PCC sent out its feelers to contact the stars of 999 Foster Street for interviews, the easiest guy to get a hold of was Dave Albon. That's because he rarely leaves his room, and when he does, it's usually just to head straight to the library.

Dave's a notoriously shy fellow, and by anybody's standards, a bit of a dork--if his nose isn't buried in some book, he's a pretty uncomfortable guy. But he's got a few nasty tricks up his sleeve, especially when it comes to campus football star Ricky Reynolds. We caught him between chapters in his chemistry textbook for a brief chat.

So Dave, how does it feel to be starring in the biggest soap opera event since that tidal wave on Sunset Beach?

Um...I guess it's okay. I don't know. I just do stuff.

You do some pretty interesting stuff, from what I've heard. Sounds to me like you'll be kicking up quite a stir in some surprising ways.

I don't know what you're talking about! Stop picking on me!

Dave, hey, settle down. We're not picking on you. We just know what's up, ya know?

Nobody knows anything. That's all I know. And that's all you should know, too.

Right. What's the deal behind your clear disgust for your roommate Ricky Reynolds?

He thinks he's so hot, just because he can play football. And he gets all these girls even though he's dumb. I can conjugate every Latin verb you can throw my way, and computate any obscure geometric proof you'd care to toss out as well, and you don't see any ladies tossing themselves in my direction, do you?

Maybe if you considered...

Well, DO YOU?!

No, Dave, we don't, but then we hardly know you yet.

Nobody knows anything. That's all I know. And that's...

Yeah, Dave, we get it. What we were going to say is that you might think about an image change. That T-shirt looks like it's about five sizes too small. And it's covered in what look like beef gravy stains, although we could be wrong.

Image is pointless. That jerk Ricky is obsessed with his image, and look where it gets him.

It seems to get him lots of dates with hot babes and a huge measure of popularity.

But where will he be in ten years? Probably working at some fast food joint somewhere, begging for spare change in his off hours so that he can afford another kilo of crack for his dirty whore of a wife!

Right. Getting back to the story, what do you think readers will find most appealing about your character in 999 Foster Street?

That I'm smart. Smarter than anyone else. And I'm a very good student. They might also enjoy checking out my extensive stamp collection sometime.

Wow. That sounds...riveting.

It is. Would you like to check out my extensive stamp collection sometime?

Maybe sometime, Dave.

Well, how about right now? You could come over, and if you know any girls, um...well, they could come too. I have about an hour before I have to finish reading Anna Karenina again. Just drive on over.

Right now we're really busy, Dave. Fast-paced world of web publishing and all that. You get what we're saying?

YOU HATE ME! You think I'm a LOSER!

Dave, hey, we don't think that at all. Stop being so defensive. We don't know what to think. You sound pretty spastic to us.

Nobody knows anything. That's all...

DAVE. We get that. Understood. Boy, you're kinda thick for a boy genius. Last question, Dave. What do you think will keep drawing readers in to 999 Foster Street week after week?

Not my STAMP COLLECTION, that's for sure. Buttcheek.

True enough, Dave. True enough.