Kelli*, 16, remembers the precise moment when she realized the horrible truth.

"I was, like, sitting on his couch in his basement, and we were watching TV," she says, a tear beginning to trickle from her eye. "It was, like, a commercial, so I leaned in to start kissing him because we were the only ones home. He started kissing me, then, like, he suddenly stopped kissing--and pushed me aside to watch TV! He was watching...a commercial for the Nintendo 64! I gave him his ring back and left him forever!"

What is so horrible about Kelli's man? He is one of the millions of losers across the nation masquerading as cool hotties, a guy who cares more about his hard drive than his sex drive, what psychologists have come to call "geeks." And though they often can trick young girls into believing they are "just one of the guys," into making out and playing football like the others, they each harbor some dark obsession, some hobby or activity that makes their girlfriends roll their eyes, sob in agony, and sometimes even exclaim, "Ewwww! Gross!"

"It's a terrifying reality of the dating scene, and one that you don't really hear a lot about," says Dr. Laura Jackson, psychology professor at Vanderbilt University. "I think all young ladies need to be very careful--that super-cute guy with the tight ass that you've been exchanging notes with in math class just might have a comic book collection or every episode of 'The X -Files' on tape."

In the charged atmosphere of relationships in the nineties, there are many dangers to beware: date rape, psychotics, members of Hanson. But the threat of geek boyfriends is perhaps most terrifying because geekishness can be so easily masked, then strike at the heart of a relationship when least expected.

"I TOTALLY never knew that my super-hot boyfriend Brad would THINK of anything other than making out with me and football," explains Lori, 17. "Then one day, I was playing with his computer when he TOTALLY wasn't in the room. First, I found one of those things you use to look at the internet on his computer. That was TOTALLY shocking. But, I figured that it could be innocent. He could TOTALLY be checking out sports scores, or looking at pornography. But when I opened it up, it was TOTALLY linked up to some movie gossip site with some fat red-haired man on the front page! It was SOOOOO TOTALLY gross!"

Stories like Lori's and Kelli's are common. It's not enough anymore just to humiliate those quiet students with thick glasses and big stacks of books at school. Geekishness has invaded into the coolest portions of our most non-geek institutions--even high school football.

"Yeah, I dropped his ass from the team," explains New Haven High football coach Jack "The Tay-Tay" Taylor, regarding his decision to eliminate star quarterback Willie Davis after finding a Star Wars action figure in his locker. "We don't need no sci-fi geek losers screwin' up plays because they're trying to figure out who Darth Vader's father is or some such crap. Geeks need to get their heads outta space and into reality. That guy ain't never gonna get no poon tang."

Truly, geeks do not deserve any "poon tang," or even the chance to be seen in public with attractive women. They deserve every ounce of derision and humiliation that cool hotties can offer. But how can you tell a geek from a cool hottie? Dr. Jackson offers a few easy tips in distinguishing the losers from the winners:

• Watch out for computers. "Sure, he may just use it for writing papers or checking football scores, but what if he hosts a website of his own, or is keeping track of his Magic cards on it as well?" warns Dr. Jackson. "It's a shame, but computers are one of the top earmarks of a true geek. You need to demand that he show you what's on his hard drive."
• Make sure he's into cool bands and movies. It's kinda neat to have a few Beatles CD's, or even Elvis Presley's greatest hits. But in general, owning any music produced before 1989 is a sure sign of geekishness. "There hasn't even been a good band before Nirvana, anyway," explains Dr. Jackson. "Pay special attention in looking for 'geek rock'--They Might Be Giants, Elvis Costello, Barenaked Ladies, etcetera. In general, any band you haven't heard of or who isn't played twice an hour on your local alternative radio station is a sure sign of a geek."
• Don't date any guy who's too interested in any one thing. "You want a guy who will follow you to the ends of the earth, even if there's a midnight screening of 'Blade Runner' on Friday night," explains Dr. Jackson. "Cool hotties are NEVER too deep or intelligent. Most geekish obsessions demonstrate either depth or brains, and that means STAY AWAY."

Dating during the teenage years can be fun and exciting for both the male and the female, but only if both are sufficiently shallow and self-obsessed. Avoiding geeks can mean the difference between a night spent at his house watching "Star Trek" re-runs and a night spent at the movies and making out in the back seat of his car. Those who have dated geeks know the dangerous consequences.

"Geeks don't even deserve to, like, LIVE," sobs Kelli, as she tears the picture of her geek ex-boyfriend into shreds. "Don't encourage them. Stay far away. Otherwise, the next victim of a geeky boyfriend could be YOU."

*names have been changed for reasons of privacy