When the staff of Pop-Culture-Corn discovered that pop legends Bernie Taupin and Elton John wanted to write a special song to honor our 100 years of cultural criticism, we were thrilled. When we learned that they wanted a fairly exorbitant amount of money to write the song, we were less than thrilled, but paid up dutifully. When the song turned out to be another goddamn parody of "Candle in the Wind," we were fairly pissed. At any rate, it's still a nice gesture, since they're both so clearly busy making pussy, ADULT-CONTEMPORARY music that they can't be othered to write a single new SONG for anyone but themselves.

For your pleasure, we present the very special new version of "Candle in the Wind" written by Bernie Taupin to honor PCC on the occassion of its 100th anniversary.

Hey there, PCC
Though I've never read you at all
I know you're kicking asses
And making readers howl
They're lurking in each section
And they're loving every word
They think Farney's kinda funny
And the Spice Girls are absurd

CHORUS:
And it seems to me you're on the net
Like a candle breaking wind
Firing off your brittle missives
As the world checks in
And I would have liked to read you,
But I'm far too famous to care
I only agreed to write this
For a big wad of money

Starting it was tough
Bender launched it as a dorm zine
It became a little famous
So he launched it on the web
Even when it sucked
There was still a wacky charm
It gives perverts on the net
A chance to rest their arm

CHORUS

Hey there, PCC
Though I've never read you at all
I know you're kicking asses
And making readers howl
Hey there, PCC
From your fans out there in cyberspace
Who wonder if Mary Ives is single
Though they've never seen her face

CHORUS