Welcome to my self-destruction
Hope you all enjoy the show
What could be more entertaining
than to drink yourself unconscious
in front of every friend you've had the joy to know

The room was dressed up for a party
I'm glad that everyone had fun
I confess I didn't notice
I was racing toward rock-bottom
When I hit it, I had only just begun

I used to share my bed
with the girl of my dreams
now I'm sleeping in a puddle of my piss

Puddle of piss
Puddle of piss
I can't believe it's come to this
Lying in bed
Out of my mind
Unfit for humankind

I don't remember many details
I didn't leave too much unsaid
I recall there was some laughter
and a fair amount of tears
and a fear that I might end the evening dead

What's that fairly well-known saying
about hurting ones you love?
I lived up to it with relish
I'm sure she didn't know what hit her
For every push, I returned a thousand shoves

I went to bed with hopes
of a bittersweet reunion
and I woke up in a puddle of my piss

Puddle of piss
Puddle of piss
I can't believe it's come to this
Lying in bed
Out of my mind
Unfit for humankind

When you left me I was hurt
That doesn't justify my means
I never meant to bury you with pain
But the alcohol took over
I lost all my self-control
Now I never want to make you cry again

My body staged a revolution
It gave back everything it took
Sunday morning was a torture
taking off a wet tuxedo
and recalling all the sins I'd overlooked

I started off the evening happy
and I ended up destroyed
woken up by a puddle of my piss

Puddle of piss
Puddle of piss
I can't believe it's come to this
Lying in bed
Out of my mind
Unfit for humankind

From the forthcoming release Am I Ugly? by Matt Springer and Your Mom, due out within the next ten years. Copyright 1999 Big Man's Shirt Music.