All the Rage #1

I met Darth Vader this summer. And the only thing he tried to choke out of me was the cash in my pocket.

To quote modern-day street poet and alien-killer Will Smith, "Okay--Here's the situation." Like many of you, I have been a huge "Star Wars" fan since my formative years. I played with the action figures. I watched the wretched "Ewoks" cartoon show when it disgraced the Saturday morning airwaves. I saw the recent re-releases several times in the theaters. Hell, I even saved my ticket stubs.

So when I heard that David Prowse, the actor who portrayed Darth Vader, was scheduled to appear at the Chicago Comicon as part of the "Men Behind the Masks" tour, you couldn't keep me away with a dump truck full of Bantha poodoo. Not only would I see Mr. Prowse, but also Peter "Chewbacca" Mayhew and Jeremy "Boba Fett" Bulloch. A pathetic, get-a-dog-and-call-it- "life"-so-then-you'll-have-one "Star Wars" fan's dream come to life. Let me tell ya, sports fans: I was EXCITED.

On July 6, my friend Brian and I arrive at the Rosemont Convention Center at 11 a.m. to begin our day amongst the Geek Patrol of comic book fans and sci-fi afficianados that are the usual Chicago Comicon crowd. We walk the convention floor for an hour before we hear that the featured guests of the "Men Behind the Masks" tour have just begun to sign autographs. And ya know that Toyota commercial where they freeze-frame the guy leaping into the air in elation over buying some cheap-ass foreign car? That's us right then.

We spend some time searching for the appropriate item for Brian to have signed. Thinking ahead, I've brought my twentieth-anniversary commemorative edition "Star Wars" magazine with me; it has a cool picture of Vader's head on the cover, and David Prowse's signature will look great in silver marker across Darth's forehead. Brian purchases a color photo of Vader in the original "Star Wars" lifting that rebel commander off the ground and choking him to death, as well as a second photo of Chewbacca to have signed by Mayhew.

Armed with our precious geek artifacts, we approach the surprisingly short line. I notice a table with photographs of the stars for sale, and a sign that says "$10 Autographs." A moment's pause is necessary before it registers that the ten bucks may refer to David Prowse's autograph and not the signature of the young lady selling the photos. The black dread which must have filled Luke's heart as he first heard the words "I am your father" begins to seep over my heart as well. At first, I am skeptical. Charge for autographs?! I paid $20 to get into the damn convention; we can't have to pay for signatures, too! Vader's evil, but there is good in him; I've felt it! Hoping against hope, I ask the young lady if we actually have to pay for autographs. She replies, "Yep. Ten bucks each. Thirty for all three."

Not even a discount for the package deal. I couldn't believe it. Three men who've had a part in making three of the most powerful films of all time want to charge me ten bucks for their autographs. And they don't need the money; according to the George Lucas biography "Skywalking," Mayhew and Prowse were each cut in for profit points and small percentages of the merchandising profits for both "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return of the Jedi." Even a fraction of a point in the profits of a "Star Wars" movie must be worth enough to live comfortably on. As for Bulloch, the Empire will compensate him for the ten minutes of screen time he had in the entire trilogy.

Haven't we given enough to the "Star Wars" franchise to deserve a kind gesture or a break? I bought the action figures, and the board games, and the CD-Rom's, and the books, and the comics...how am I supposed to react when David Prowse is milking ten bucks from me just for the privilege of his John Hancock? Am I expected to pony up and smile over gritted teeth? I guess so; that's what others seemed to be doing. Ahead of me in line was a mother with her sons, each carrying posters to get signed and watching as she forked over the necessary cash to give them the "thrill" of meeting Chewbacca, Darth Vader, and Boba Fett. They learned the lesson of the day: greed is just as prevalent "a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..." as it is in the world of the here and now.

David "Darth Vader" Prowse summed up the issues and illusions of the day perfectly during a panel discussion at the Comicon. When asked what his favorite moment in his involvement with "Star Wars" had been, he replied, "The day I recieved my first residual check."

And that crunching sound in the background? That was my idealism and childhood illusions, being crushed beneath the boots of the Dark Lord of the Sith.