The Women of 90210

Ah, the Wednesday evenings of my youth. Locked bedroom door, a box of tissues and Beverly Hills, 90210. Nothing could be finer. Prime, prime beef, if you can excuse my sexist observations (now that I think about it, if you mind that kind of stuff, this is probably the wrong article to be reading). They were perfection, the Marilyns and Raquels of my formative years.

Surrounded by sometimes cheesy (and occasionally downright bad) storylines and acting, 90210 was the first teen prime-time soap opera of the Nintendo generation. It shaped our impressions and contributed to the vernacular (how many idiots did I know who mimicked Dylan McKay's answering machine message: "This is Dylan, you know the drill"?). And it piqued our taste for lovely ladies.

Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth)

I admit, I've always been a sucker for the blondes, but Jennie Garth took that to a new level. I'd seen beautiful actresses on TV--Heather Locklear, Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, Nell Carter--but Jennie took it to a whole new zenith. At 11 years old, she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. At that age, I was just grasping the whole puberty concept, but she quickly helped me down that road. Long legs, not an ounce of fat, beautifully proportionate chest, long blonde hair, and a face Venus would be proud of. Oh, that face.

Through the years, she has varied her look back and forth more than couple of times, from the Boys Don't Cry close crop to the current shoulder length 'do, as her body has dropped and gained a few pounds here and there. I was devastated in the 1996-98 range when I felt she lost some of her bite and beauty, but we all persevered. Personally, the best of Jennie was season one, from the get-go. That 16 year old...just perfect. The long hair, not too scrawny as she got later on. Perfect...what more can I say?
Grade: A+

Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty)

Brenda got the most airtime as the show's co-lead, which varied from good thing to bad thing from week to week. At the start, I wasn't much of a fan of Shannen. Beautiful? Absolutely. Great body? Yup. Would I do her? Damn skippy. But she wasn't Jennie. Still one of the more attractive women on television, Shannen's constant use of super-tight lycra shirts catapulted her to the top tier by the third or fourth seasons. She sometimes dressed too conservatively, and those teeth might have boosted Baba Booey's self-esteem, but she was alright with me.
Grade: A-

Donna Martin (Tori Spelling)

Things changed on 90210. One of the most obvious was Tori. I don't know if it was Daddy Warbucks reaching into his pocket for lots of plastic surgery (besides the boob job; that is plenty obvious), but Tori did turn things around. For the first few season, she was "the ugly chick." No two ways about it. By the later years of the show, she had turned from nasty to somewhat hot by making herself a skank. She still didn't sleep around, but she always dressed and teased like a two-bit whore.
Grade: B

Valerie Malone (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen)

I was a huge Tiffani fan from her Saved By The Bell days, and was thrilled to see her (and her two new saline friends) join the cast in 1994. Complete vengeful slut character that would have made Amanda Woodward proud. She slept around, seduced her friends' fellows, and had enormous jugs. Need I say more?
Grade: A

Claire Arnold (Kathleen Robertson)

Like Valerie, a vixen from day one--when she was introduced as Brandon's unwelcome seductress-- throughout her relationship with Steve. The best body 90210 ever saw, and a gorgeous face to go along. To cater to my own bizarre fetishes, she ties with Jennie Garth as best overall nose on the show. You knew Claire would do the kinky stuff in the bedroom, and that made her even that much hotter.
Grade: A-

Gina Kincaid (Vanessa Marcil)

Prince called her "The Most Beautiful Girl in the World." I can't argue. Absolutely, unadulterated perfection. I was going to save the only A+ for Jennie, but I can't give Vanessa anything less.
Grade: A+

Andrea Zuckerman-Vasquez (Gabrielle Carteris)

Though she had a very mediocre body to go with her cute, yet forgettable, face, everyone would have loved to bang Andrea because she was so hard to get. Unleash the beast. The less a woman gets it, the more she wants it.
Grade: B-

Emily Valentine (Christine Elise)

Friggin' psychopath stalker, but pretty hot. Nice body, tight jeans, attractive face. No major complaints (besides her trying to burn down the Walsh house and all).
Grade: B

Toni Marchette-McKay (Rebecca Gayheart)

The Noxzema girl, for those of you don't know. Need I say more?
Grade: A
Nah, I can't do that. A+

Susan Keats (Emma Caulfield)

Too fiesty, too angry, too feminist and most importantly, too flat. Cute face. Quite a step down for Brandon after Kelly, though.
Grade: B-

The Other Good Stuff

Celeste Lundy (Jennifer Grant)

Steve's girlfriend for a couple of seasons. Drop dead gorgeous. Grade: A

Ginger LaMonica (Elisa Donovan)

I love Elisa. Just a sucker for those redheads, I guess. Valerie's scheming friend from Buffalo, for those who didn't figure it out. Grade: B+

Prof. Lucinda Nicholson (Dina Meyer)

Though she could've used some cleavage, any older woman who seduces Brandon is alright with me. Without sluttiness: C+. Grade: B

Jackie Taylor (Ann Gillespie)

For someone playing Kelly's 40-something mom, she wasn't too shabby. Twenty years ago, you know she was a 10. Grade: B-