90,210 Reasons Why 90210 Sucked

Okay--there's not really 90,000 reasons here...

I remember when some health ed teacher in high school made us watch the "gun play" episode where that kid Scott blew his brains out at his own birthday party by accident with his dad's gun. "Kids, the NRA is evil." Then we saw the "Brandon gets wasted on speed" and "Brandon's family gets a black neighbor" episode to show us "drugs were bad" and "can't we all just get along?"

Meanwhile, half the kids in my health class were upper class prissy bitches or assholes--who couldn't spell the body parts they were putting to good use--who thought they had all the affluence and coolness of Steve Sanders and Kelly Taylor. Nerdy geeks in health ed like myself were sitting there hoping Scott would have lived long enough to teach his fellow Beverly Hillians a lesson, especially that "smart" Andrea (inexplicably pronounced as AHN-DREE-A). Tori Spelling probably deserved some scolding from daddy Aaron, too, but she already got his awkward nose and Gavin McLeod's captain hat as souvenirs.

A couple of things were awesome in the show, though. The first was good ol' Uncle Miltie himself, Milton Berle, playing Steve's codger relative. The other was great character actor James Eckhouse (Cocktail) providing a bravura performance as Jim Walsh, culminating in great scenes with Dylan McKay. "Jim, shove off, all right? It's my money and I'll handle it while I fuck your daughter."

And there's the tale of two career breaks, one tragic, one amazing. Jamie Walters had things going good with an album on the chart, until his agent had the bright idea of letting him play an abusive boyfriend to Donna. Teenage girls thought Jamie Walters himself was an abusive chart-topper, and kerplunk went his solo recording self. From the Heights, he hit depths.

Then fittingly, in the show's final year, one of its brief alumni, Hilary Swank (who demonstrated a fine rapport with Pat Morita in The Next Karate Kid) gets an Oscar nomination for a role that's so un-90210. The closest thing to gender bending on the Zip Code was Brian Austin Green. I have this theory that best friend Scott was killed off so David Silver could blast off. Like every single episode of Jenny Jones, he went "from geek to chic." His Backstreet Boy-style then became part of show's fall from a crappy show to an even more crappy show.

And what's the word with Shannen Doherty? She was completely absent from the series finale festivities. That's right, she is off doing her own thing--an independent spirit who doesn't need Aaron Spelling's backing to star in a show on a minor network? She may have gone from bitch to witch, but she should give props to Tori's dad for saving her career.

I leave you with five questions and the answers to them. Will Ian Ziering act again? No. What will Ian Ziering be doing instead? They are called "cable rerun royalties." Dave Coulier still gets them from "Full House of Crap." How did Gabrielle Carteris get a talk show? She was AHN-DREE-A, the smart one, remember? Why is Jason Priestly always so smug? He milked Brandon Walsh for all that he was worth. He padded his resume by directing poignant episodes of the Zip Code. He can still play "celebrity" hockey with Dave Coulier. Who were the morons who compared Luke Perry to James Dean? Perry is the "Rebel Without a Clue."