This has to be one of the most disturbing eras in which to be alive and kicking. The news of eight massacred tourists in Uganda has just broke, hot on the heels of the intense Kosovo peace talks and America's consistent attacks on Iraq. On top of all that, the impending Year 2000 computer virus could send nuclear missles shooting across the ocean unprovoked, banks scrambling to maintain their records and sewage bubbling forth from every possible orifice. Then there's the usual nagging issues of poverty, hunger, disease, war and hate that just won't go away.

With new national and international tragedies arising on a near-daily basis, I'm sure glad that my fellow Americans are wasting their time trying to save some SHITTY TV SHOWS.

Remember Brimstone? I don't either. I saw one episode. It was on Friday nights and starred that guy from Thirtysomething as a former resident of Hell who has to return to earth and send 113 escaped demons back to the fiery pits. All I recall from my one less-than-memorable viewing experience is that it looked like it had been shot on toilet paper and it didn't strike me as being worth my time.

Apparently there are a few hundred fans out there who found it to be very worth their time, as they've launched a Save Brimstone campaign. That's right. The show's been on for 13 episodes, and it's already earned a fan base rabid enough to PURCHASE AD SPACE IN MAJOR PAPERS promoting the show and urging its return to the airwaves.

Oh, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Similar campaigns are underway for such unheralded television classics as Cupid and the Babylon 5 spinoff series Crusade, which HAS YET TO AIR AN EPISODE and already needs saving. Past campaigns that have crashed and burned over the past few months petitioned to rescue the stellar Malcom McDowell vehicle Fantasy Island and the brilliant Vengeance Unlimited. The Cupid campaign got so rabid and out of control that the show's creator, Rob Thomas, actually asked the fans to stop their dilligent efforts, because he'd signed on for another job already--and had accepted reality a lot quicker than the dolts out there in Fandom-land.

Through it all, there's a lot of talk about how stupid the networks are, how they won't give any show the time it needs to grow and "find its audience." That argument is bubbling over with idiocy. All of these shows recieved major network support--billboards, radio ads, television spots, press coverage. They were not buried at some 4 a.m. time slot or ignored by the press. I'd even argue that some of these cancellations could help careers more than they'll hurt them--Jeremy Piven, star of Cupid, is parlaying the extra exposure into some nice film work, and Thomas has already signed on with one of next fall's hottest TV properties, the new David E. Kelley series Snoops. There's also the subtextual assumption that the reason a show needs time to "find an audience" is because the viewing public at large is too stupid to realize quality television when it arrives on the tube.

That's all bullshit. The list of shows that have truly deserved to be on television, and have left the airwaves long before their time, is a short one. Truthfully, not one immediately springs to mind. Sure, folks might have been upset when the shows were cancelled, but the anger faded, and now these shows are lost to the mists of time. The history of television is none the poorer for their loss. (It could probably be argued that the history of television will be none the poorer for losing plenty of shows that have been huge ratings successes, but that's another column.)

The viewing public watches a lot of shit, to be sure, but they also avoid shit pretty well, too. Have these erstwhile fan groups taken any time to consider that the true reason behind the tragic cancellations of their favorite shows is that these shows are UTTER CRAP?! People had their chance to watch. These shows were hyped with all the other new shows last fall. No one watched. Thus, they're cancelled. It seems like simple, sound logic to me, especially when you've got a show like Crusade that hasn't even hit the airwaves yet. TNT has invested huge money and energy into the entire Babylon 5 franchise. Why would they suddenly ditch Crusade after only 13 episodes? Maybe it's because they've seen the episodes filmed, and they blow monkey chunks.

I'll tell you my theory: it's not the folks at the networks who are stupid, it's the fans trying to save the shows. TV network executives may very well be stupid, but they're just not using that stupidity in this particular instance. These shows are off the air because they deserve to be. They were not good shows. And just because some internet fanatics get their panties in a bind over the loss of their new favorite hour of television, it doesn't mean that these shows need time to "find an audience," or that they deserve another six month committment from their networks. It means that these shows don't belong on television, and their poor, deprived fans should shed a quiet tear for their loss and MOVE ON.

And while you're at it, watch the news once in a while and join the rest of us in the real world. I love TV as much as the next braindead couch potato, but these campaigns are simply ridiculous.

Postscript:
Among the many angry messages I recieved from irate TV fans regarding this column was the following tidbit, filling me in on some Cupid fans who have put their resources to good use in the wake of the show's final fate. Thanks to Eileen M. for the comments and info--and Eileen, I certanly wish I got paid to write such crap, but I do it for free.

For your information, Rob Thomas did not ask us to stop our campaign. He was delighted that there were so many people who loved his show. He was hoping just as much as we were that another network would pick up the show. Also, the money that was raised for an ad in Variety is being donated to the Pediatric Aids Foundation.

It always amazes me that people like you get paid to write such crap.

--Eileen M.