Dear Ally, X-Sender: matt@pccmag.com
Date: Sun, 01 Mar 1998 20:23:37 -0600
X-PH: V3.12@lulu
To: a-mcbeal@aol.com
Subject: A Love Letter for Ally McBeal

Mar 1, 98 08:23:37 pm -0600

Dear Ally McBeal,

You don't know me, but I know you very well. I know you because I watch you on the television every Monday night, and usually a few other times besides, on video. I know all about your problems with the dancing baby, your futile relationship with John Cage, your unrequited love for Billy. I see you in the unisex restroom, peering under stalls to check and see if anyone's there before you gossip, and I see you at sculpting class, trying to craft a massive penis to scale. Most of all, I know about your frustrations in life as you try to find true love.

That's what I'm writing you about, Ally. I want to be the man in your life. I want to be your husband and the father of your children. Maybe this creeps you out, since you seemed a bit creeped out when that snowboarder asked you out and you didn't really know him. But he was a hot guy with a big tool, and I'm a fat loser who watches too much TV, so it's probably a bit weirder for me than it was for him. Even if it seems weird, I figure it's worth it to take the risk and give this a shot. After all, the characters on many of the shows I watch each day for several hours seem to do well when they take big romantic chances. When Brandon wanted Kelly back on "90210," he just kept sending her flowers and being nice, and even though that nasty Val was trying to keep them apart through evil trickery, he still got her back on Valentine's Day, which I thought was very sweet.

So I'm taking a big chance, sure--I'm some loser on the internet who co-edits a website, and you're a big hot-shot young lawyer who's several years older than I am. But it's a chance worth taking, I think. I mean, what if you really responded to this in a positive way, and we met sometime, probably in that bar where Vonda Shepard sings every week? She could play a cover of some really sweet Bruce Springsteen song (I like Bruce Springsteen a lot, Ally--do you?) that would be pretty, but would also have a deeper meaning in terms of the scene and our conversation. We could slow dance a bit, then maybe--just maybe--if things went well, we could screw on your living room floor like you did with that snowboarder, so long as your roommate wasn't home that night.

But don't think I'm just interested in SEX! I mean, you're hot as Georgia asphalt, so I'd do you in a New York minute, but I'm also very attracted by your personality. I love the way you pretend to be all smart and tough, when in reality you're just another weak woman who needs a strong man to sweep you off your feet. Some men really like strong women, who have a mind of their own and are tough to pin down. I don't. I'm totally cool with you being as flighty and emotionally irresponsible as you want to be, so long as you don't get "soft" in the bedroom. (HA!)

Another thing--I already know all of your friends from the show, so it'd be easy for me to sorta "join" your group and hang out with all your friends. Georgia, Billy (he'd have to keep his distance; I know he still wants you), John Cage, Fish--hell, I see the show so often that they're practically MY friends, too! We could do lotsa fun things with them, but also spend time alone together too, because I believe that the bedrock of a good relationship is plenty of one-on-one communication, as well as firm breasts.

That's my story, Ally. I love you on the TV, and I want to love you in real life. I'll move to Boston and look you up right away. Hopefully, by then you will have gotten this letter and will be ready to be swept away by my charm and intimate knowledge of the minute details of your entire life. If you need me to kick Billy's ass, or beat some sense into John Cage before we start dating, I'll be happy to do that. Otherwise, stock up on the spermicide, because the man of your dreams is about to walk through your door.

Sincerely,
Matt Springer