All the Rage #4

Boy, Chris Carter is a pretentious prick, isn't he?

What? You don't know who Chris Carter is? I'm sure he'd be flabbergasted to hear that, what with all the press he's recieved for being the genius behind "The X- Files" and the mediocre "Millenium." From the interviews I've read and seen featuring him, he seems pretty certain that not only does the whole of America know exactly who he is, but they're all hanging on his every creative stroke. After all, "X- Files" is a top-rated show that is about to become a major motion picture, and Fox is preparing to crawl up his asshole for extensive negotiations to keep him in their camp for a few more seasons of doing what he does, which seems to consist mainly of designing plot lines that endlessly fold inward onto themselves, and acting like a prick in interviews.

This is not to say that I don't respect "The X- Files" a lot. I'll undermine my impending argument by admitting that I've watched no more than a handful of episodes, but I've really enjoed the shows I have seen. My lack of more than a passing interest in the show can be blamed on my desire to avoid becoming wrapped up in the obsession that becoming a die-hard "X- Files" fan would entail. I've made committments in the past to "Star Trek," comic books, "Star Wars," the JFK assassination, and the Branch Davidian cult. I just don't have the time or inclination right now to nurture that kind of involvement in any one pop culture subculture. Besides, Mulder's never gonna do the nasty with Scully, and I certainly don't need that kind of unrelenting sexual tension floating around in my entertainment.

I don't begrudge anyone their fandom, and I wish "X- Philes" everywhere all the best that life has to offer, even though they probably believe that their life is part of some conspiracy to perform oral sex on President Clinton and deliver his semen to space aliens. Still, let's all be honest, folks: whether you love the show or hate it, "The X- Files" is little more than a glorified science-fiction soap opera. Move it to an emergency room, and you've got "E.R." Move it to a police station, and you've got "N.Y.P.D. Blue." Move it to my bedroom, and...well, let's just not GO there. There are great actors on "The X- Files," and I'm sure the writing is usually top-notch. But it's not TV history, and it certainly isn't ALL THAT.

Why lauch into this diatribe now? Two reasons. First, I can sense that with the big "X- Files" feature film hitting screens this summer, the media frenzy that has been buzzing about the show almost since its premiere is going to become deafening, and it'll be hard to get a negative word in edgewise. I want to lay claim to being the first to point out that the TRUTH isn't "out there," but is actually fairly close by. Second, I caught this "Secrets of the X- Files" special recently on Fox, and I was confounded by the way in which Carter kept insisting on referring to the "mythology" of the show, when speaking about the convoluted web of conspiracies upon conspiracies that passes for a "plot."

C'mon, Carter. Get off that high horse you must mount every day to convince yourself that you're not whoring yourself by working on television, and face reality. "The X- Files" is a glorified soap opera. Sure, the plots are clever and complicated as all hell. But why do people keep tuning in? BECAUSE YOU NEVER TELL THEM ANYTHING. It's that simple. I watched the synopsis sections on the "X- Files" special, and it became clear to me that the true "secret" behind this show's success lies in presenting a new mystery for every mystery solved, a question along with each answer. To return to my favorite source of analogies for a moment, it's like going out with a really attractive member of the opposite sex who won't put out. You keep trying and trying and trying, and even though you can TELL that s/he really WANTS to DO IT, s/he always has some lame excuse, like "The Cigarette-Smoking Man captured my sister," or "This alien implant gave me cancer," or something. Not to be crass, but if everything was going right and a healthy sex life was something you looked for in a relationship, you'd dump this person, right? (Well, unless it actually WAS Gillian Anderson or David Duchovny, in which case it would be worth staying in the relationship just to ogle all that attractiveness and to meet neat famous people at parties.)

Yet people don't "dump" "The X- Files." They keep on comin' back for more, as if through their dedication and loyalty they'll have some inside track to a single secret that will unlock the entire "mythology" and make it all make sense. What's going to happen when the series ends? I see one of two possible outcomes: either the "mythology" will be left unresolved, allowing for decades of speculation and amateur fiction by die-hard fans; or Carter will offer a solution that will please NO ONE, because the last secret that will lock the plotlines together has been built up into such an event that no single answer could be more creative than the products of each fan's individual imagination.

To put it simply, Carter has written himself into a corner. He's damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't. He can cop out and offer no solutions, or offer solutions that will please no one because the mystery and intrigue has grown too intense. The fans will probably like it either way, though, so I guess it doesn't matter. These must be the same kind of people who listen to their love interests prattle on about their dates, knowing that in the end they only want to be "just friends."

Yes, that's right. I've unlocked the true "Secret of the X- Files": fans of the show are sexually repressed. This also explains how they can watch Mulder and Scully exchange come-hither glances on a weekly basis without gettin' it on and not go crazy. Well, here's my advice, X- Philes: shut off the damn TV every Sunday night, and go get some nookie. I guarantee it'll be more satisfying than anything Chris Carter could cook up.