All the Rage #36

Do you possess culture?

If so, you know it, baby. You've got the right one. Uh-huh. You may stop reading here; go back to your bars, your temples, your massage parlors. Finish reading today's Dostoyevsky and hit the road.

If you don't got no culture, then that's what I'm here for. You see, for many years now I've been totally lacking and devoid of culture. But I've learned that the key to appearing cultured is similar to the key to most things in life: pretending you know more than you actually do. I'm a master at giving the appearance of culture even though I actually possess none, and my secret lies mainly in acting like I know things I don't.

As a service to the internet community at large--and in the hopes of injecting our cyberverse with a serious-ass dose of culture--I present to you a brief primer on the finer things in life. Please accept graciously some free and essential facts about the world of art, music and theater. They will serve you well at trendy dinner parties and in discussions with snooty rich folk for years to come, and all are suitable for tossing into any conversation where you feel that culture will serve you well.

Let's start with art. Picasso is the key here. He painted lots of paintings that appear in museums around the world. Was he gay? Who knows. But it's an interesting point to bring up. He in-vented cubism, which is when you draw boxes in your art, much like a Rubik's Cube. Don't com-pare the Rubik's Cube to cubism, though; that will make you sound stupid. He designed a statue for Daley Plaza in Chicago that looks like a bird, but if you tell people you think it looks like Rich-ard Nixon, then nod in silence before moving on to the next topic, you'll score big-time points.

Salvador Dali painted many abstract and weird works. Those clocks melting in the dessert? That's him. Whenever Dali comes up, tell this true story, courtesy of William F. Buckley, Jr. Dali once sent his father an envelope containing a sample of his semen with the words "Paid in full" written on the front. Absolutely true; look it up. Sure-fire conversation starter…or ender, depending on the crowd.

Moving on to music, you're gonna need to know the big names: Mozart and Beethoven. Rent Amadeus; it's a cool movie and will provide you with all the info you need about Wolfgang. He played piano when he was like 3 years old. He also wrote operas, like The Marriage of Figaro. If you can't fake a conversation on that one based on the title alone, you have problems. The early-80's hit Rock Me Amadeus was inspired by his work.

Beethoven was deaf, which is why most of his music is so loud. He inspired the disco hit A Fifth of Beethoven. Also, in Die Hard, when the vault opens and Alan Rickman is standing there sneering at all the bonds and money and gold, the classic and hummable strains of Beethoven's Ninth can be heard. He and Mozart wrote a lot of music. You might want to just shut up when these guys come up, but be sure to mention that Beethoven was deaf. You might also want to say he was gay too, just to spice things up a bit. Whatever you do, NEVER confuse the hits of Deep Purple with the hits of Beethoven or Mozart. They're just not in the same league, and I don't care how many orchestral covers of "Smoke on the Water" you own.

Finally, the theater; the theater. What's happened to the theater? Donny Osmond, that's what's happened! But in circles of culture, don't EVER bring up Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. In fact, stay away from Andrew Lloyd Webber and Broadway in general. Speaking about it will make you look very stupid and white trashy. Stick with Shakespeare and Beckett instead. Shakespeare was most certainly gay and wrote plays in iambic pentameter, which is a fancy word for poetry that doesn't even rhyme most of the time. That always makes me wonder just why his stuff is such a big deal. Dr. Seuss rhymed every line of his poetry, damnit, and no one performs his works every year in Central Park! Be sure to keep in mind that none of Shakespeare's comedies were in fact funny at all; they had a handful of chuckles, but to Elizabethans the word "comedy" largely meant plots about crossdressing, prancing woodland fairies, and having young boys portray women.

As for Beckett, he wrote Waiting For Godot, a terribly abstract play. You probably won't have to bring up Beckett unless the crowd you hang with wears all black outfits with berets and smokes like chimneys. Just in case you do, remember that Godot represents God or Richard Nixon and that Beckett was also most certainly gay. But since Beckett lived about four hundred years after Shakespeare, don't suggest that they were lovers, or you'll be snickered right out of your rented tuxedo.

That's it. All the culture you'll probably ever need. You might even want to print this article out and carry it in your wallet, just in case you need a refresher course during that big fancy dinner party where you'll meet your beautiful fiance's father. If you stick to what little you know and spread these tidbits out carefully between the dinner salad and the chardonnay, you can't go wrong. And if all else fails, just nod your head a lot and you'll survive.