Yes, once again we have reached that special time of year when love is in the air, flowers are strewn throughout the petal-covered fields and the call of the turtle is heard throughout the land. No, not spring, but Valentine's Day (not to be confused with Sweetest Day, the Hallmark Holiday).

But what is the origin of this, the prince of all days on which you can spend time with your loved one, floating on the ever-billowing clouds of blissful remembrance of many fondly recalled hours? Was it merely instated so that absentminded men would have at least one anniversary they couldn't forget? Was it the day on which a Christian martyr gave up his life because he showed such great love to his flock? Was it a foolish prank started by a small group of college students in Paris in the late 17th century? No.

Here is the true story of St Valentine's Day.

Not so many moons ago, deep in the forest of the Ojibwa, the mighty chieftain looked with love upon his children, sheltered from the stormy waters of Gitchee Gumee and Old Man River. He knew, however, that the enemy tribes were rapidly approaching on the creeks and streams of the Northern wilderness. To protect his people, he had to act swiftly to counter the tide of doom which threatened his peaceful nation.

Long he pondered this, even as the stormclouds of gathering war came from the shadows, from the darkness, whence they had come with words of warning; an ordeal that this people might not be able to withstand. Yet then in a flash it came to him; they should all be changed, in the twinkling of an eye; at the last trumpet call of the now proximate enemy the victory would already be won. He returned to his tent, confident that good would rule the day.

For years beyond count the woodland people rejoiced in the glorious victory that their wise and powerful chieftain had earned without bloodshed. How was it so? The elders debated it round the nighttime fires for generations, but as the story has come down to us, we hear this; that in the stead of his people's blood, to appease the invaders he offered them little candy hearts that French traders had brought in the time of Father Marquette. These little tidbits were so tasty that soon, to keep up with demand, the tribe was forced to grow sugar beets for production stateside. Soon the fields far outstripped the small population's ability to tend them and so they enticed migrant laborers from around the world--and then erected a bingo parlor, then a casino on the autonomous, taxfree land to entertain the workers. At last count, over 50 Grammy award winners have played the hotel, and soon international comedy sensations from around the globe will open in a three day festival devoted to the art of Dave Barry.

Since the defining moment occurred on February 12th, but the closest Monday that year was the 14th, it's been celebrated on that day, which was, coincidentally, the day silent film star Rudolph Valentino was murdered in his sleep by a groupie who simply couldn't stand his tuna casserole.

And now you know...the rest of the story.