Since I made some cool hard cash recently, what better way to spend it than on presents for athletes I've never met? I don't care if they've been naughty or nice, even if they've done some vice. The holidays are a time for giving. While the real Santa is apparently buying Gigapets and Kentucky Fried Chicken for everyone else, I thought I would offer some practical gifts.

Check this list, check it twice. Don't give me any Old Spice--just Ginger and Sporty.

Michael Jordan: What do you give someone that has everything? Six pairs of Hanes, a bottle of Gatorade and that cheap cologne I use.

Scottie Pippen: A lifetime contract with the Toronto Raptors.

Barry Sanders: Nothing. I'm sure he'll get fifteen yards out of it.

Eddie Robinson: Acknowledgment.

Ken Griffey, Jr.: A smile like that deserves sunlight and grass.

Mark McGwire: Fresh Rocky Mountain air.

Mike Piazza: Defense.

Latrell Sprewell: A straitjacket.

Lawrence Phillips: Anything but a football.

The Chicago Bears: Birth control. That stops the Cubs, too.

Tiger Woods: Just one bad stroke--to give the other guys a chance.

Tara Lipinski and USA Hockey: Gold.

Wayne Huzienga: A loan.

The Michigan Wolverines: A national championship.

The Nebraska Cornhuskers: Hackey-sacks all around.

Peyton Manning: A guided tour of St. Louis; I've heard they also have a football team...

Charles Woodson: A squirt of mustard and a little relish.

The Illini Football Team: Peyton Manning

Cris Carter: I'm sure whatever I toss his way he'll be able to get.

Brett Favre: How would you like that second Super Bowl ring engraved?

Jim Leyland: Nicorette

Bobby Cox: No matter what you give him, he'll find a way to break it.

Barry Switzer: Walking papers.

Martina Hingis: Competition.

Pete Sampras: The simple art of expression.

Mike Krzyzewski: More vowels. I think they're now known officially as the Duke Blue Chips.

Gary Barnett: Another offer he's seriously not considering.