Part 1

As requested by the creators of PCC, I am going to put my college experiences to some productive use and share some of the best things I learned during my four years. These are skills that I still use today to some extent, and I have documented proof of their effectiveness, not just for me but for several of my friends and acquaintences as well. So here they are: the five stages of the hookup, from start to gory finish. They're not all pretty, and they're not all nice - but as we all know, you have to scheme and learn how to manipulate if you're going to get anywhere in this world, and the party scene is no different from any other.

In order to have a successful hookup, the preparation must be perfect. In your dorm room or apartment, you have to get mentally ready for the adventure at hand. If you have it in your mind that you're going to get play that night, then you will. I have found that it is all in the attitude.

The shower: you MUST take a shower before you go out. I don't care if you took one already that day. If you're going to be getting up close and personal with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex, whatever your preference) you want to be clean. Use that body wash that you leave on the shelf normally; it will make you smell like a spring shower.

Shave. Girls, get your legs. In the winter, this is something that you probably don't do very often since no one ever sees your legs. But even if you're not planning on taking off your pants later on, it just makes you feel sexier and cleaner. Guys, shave your face. There is nothing worse than beardburn. Sure, she may not feel it or care if she does while it's going on, but the rawness can take days to go away, and that is no fun.

When you're done in the shower, your bathroom will be a sauna. This is good. Put a towel on your head and a bathrobe around your body and go back to your room. Turn on the radio and listen to your favorite CD. Unless, of course, your favorite is Morrissey, in which case CHEER THE HELL UP. You want to be in a great mood. My personal recommendation: "Graceland" by Paul Simon. Then, finish drying off. Put moisturizer all over yourself till you're as smooth as a baby's derriere. I don't know the moisturizer protocol for men, but try to at least get your elbows.

Then, go over to the underwear drawer. You may not realize it, but this is the most important part of your whole ensemble. ANECDOTE: One night during my junior year, my roommate and I were picking out my clothes for a night up north at the fraternity parties. I held up two pairs of unmentionables because I couldn't decide. This is where the phrase "play is always an option" was coined. We decided on the hot pink pair, and sure enough, even though I wasn't planning specifically on it, play happened! So the underwear is key. Guys, always, always ALWAYS choose boxers over briefs. They are so much more aesthetically pleasing to the women. Really.

Then for the clothes--jeans for both sexes work well, but for that extra-special look guys can go with khakis and girls have many options (skirts, black pants, etc.). Guys, try not to wear an old t-shirt unless it's the only clean thing you own. Try for a polo shirt or something like that. Girls, for you I have one word: BOOBS. Show 'em off. Get out that tight shirt that you don't wear to class and the wonderbra. It doesn't have to be low-cut. In fact, it's almost better if it's not. You don't want to show your cleavage, but be sure you allude to its existence. Wear a necklace and earrings, but stay away from the pearls you got for high school graduation.

As for the face--make yourself up. Don't by any means cake it on like a beauty queen. That makes you look worse, plus it smears like crazy and makes you look like Tammy Faye. Try for a darker shade of lipstick and an extra coat of mascara at the very least. Then put on some perfume. You'll want something that's strong enough to cut through the beer and cigarettes, but not so overpowering that it makes everyone around you sneeze. I like CKOne to go out, and I'm a huge fan of Paul Sebastian on guys, but that's just me - everyone has their own tastes.

Now you are ready to go out there and knock them all dead, because you look HOT. In the final stages, my roommates and I always put on our favorite "going out" song to get us in the mood to go out--it was "Glycerine" by Bush, sung by the ever-gorgeous Gavin Rossdale. I know it's not a very uptempo song, but it made us all feel great... So find your song and your buddies and get ready to go!