All the Rage #8
Love.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is more than St. Paul ever could have predicted. Love was easy for St. Paul. Love for him was crosses and flowers on Good Friday. Love for us is phone calls at 3 a.m., boring dates to the arts and crafts fair, hiding dirty magazines so that love doesn't see them. Love is far more complicated than just your neighbor. Love also might be your neighbor; try talking to her sometime.

Love hurts. Love smarts. Love is often stupid. Love has no brain, just a big organ or two. Love is often lust, and often lost. Love can find you in the weirdest places and take you somewhere even weirder. Love scrapes the bottom of the barrel and brings the cream to the top. Love is sometimes covered in cream, or rather a substance often known as "cream" in vulgar circles. Love is covered in "cream" to avoid producing children. Love is children, but only when it's convenient for love.

Love is rich and stuck-up. Love is poor and starving on the sidewalk. Love doesn't need money, but money doesn't hurt love. Love can be bought with money, but it's usually not very good, unless you have $1000 an hour to spend on love. Love bought for $1000 is very attractive and will last a good long time. Love sold for any price is widely considered to be the "oldest profession," and if you want to make love your profession, then selling love is probably a good idea.

Love is sex. Love isn't sex. Love's being sex or not being sex depends on how strong the love is and how good the sex is. Love that is sex is really good sex, but really shitty love. Love that isn't sex is occasionally bad sex, but doesn't have to be, and is especially strong love. Love without sex is like fish without water; it's deadly and needs no explanation for the metaphor to work. Love without sex can also be shared between friends and relatives, but love without sex (shared with such folk) that comes to include sex is often vulgar and sometimes a mistake. Love suggests that you consult love's operations manual before proceeding in such directions.

Love's opinions are the express opinions of love, and are not necessarily those of love's lovers. Love reserves the right to edit any letters sent to love. Love is edited from the original version. Love has been formatted to fit your TV.

Love will rip out your heart and throw it in a blender, mixing it into drinks like love margaritas and love daquiris. Love crawls under your skin and bleeds you to death. Love is so obvious that it beats you over the head. Love can also be hidden, like a baby playing peek-a-boo. Love is hiding beneath your bed right now. Love sometimes starts in your toes and moves up your body like a bolt of lightning. Love other times smacks you in the chest and burns your upper regions. Love will also burn lower regions of your body, but only if love is unprotected and engaged in with slutty partners. Love shouldn't mess with slutty partners. Love should also never be angry, because you wouldn't like love when it's angry.

Love is Katie Holmes from "Dawson's Creek." Love is Jennifer Connelly from "The Rocketeer." Love is Cindy Crawford, but only a little bit. Love is Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox and Lisa Kudrow. Love would love to see all three together naked at the same time. Love would find that to be a fairly "friendly" gathering, if you get what love means. Love is Elton John and Elvis Costello, if I were gay. Love might someday be Elton John and Elvis Costello, even though I'm not gay. Love makes you do those sort of things. Love is gay and straight and bi and even little boys and animals and your right or left hand, or both if you're ambidextrous. Love is especially a few people who aren't famous and would die if I put their names on the internet. Love knows who love is.

Love is pop music with a sweet melody and catchy chorus. Love is a film by George Lucas starring a wookiee. Love is a book about a guy in Britain who has just broken up with his girlfriend. Love is not really breaking up with your girlfriend, but love often finds break-ups very encouraging and helpful. Love is three guys with glasses who make records, and two who don't have glasses and make records. Love is John Lennon, and sometimes Paul McCartney. Love that is Paul McCartney is often shallow, but love that is John Lennon is prickly and sharp.

Love is that feeling you get when you hear a song or see a movie or watch a TV show or read a website that you know will change your life forever. Love is on the internet, as a matter of fact, located at www.hotsex.com. Love can also be found at www.pccmag.com, several times a month. Love should be visited on the internet often.

Love is dead. Love is alive. Love is Buddah. Love is Mohammed. Love is Yahweh. Love is God. Love is Nietsche. Love can't spell Nietchse, and is too lazy to look it up. Love is hot and cold and warm and fuzzy and dice and gambling and dirt and grime and grease and fuck and lick and suckers and shrewdness and manipulation and trust and rock 'n' roll and the blues and bluegrass and fun and slow and lonely and sleazy and pure and chaste and sexy and beyond us all and above you now and beneath your feet and in the sky and hidden in your trunk and wet and dry and humid and rainy and bright and dark and cloudy and with a 40% chance of showers. Love is easy and hard and worth every precious second.

Love is beautiful. Love is true. Love is you.

(That was lame.)